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Honest To Fuck, Internet

Honest To Fuck, Internet

I don’t know what I’m going to do with you this time.

Here’s the deal, for people who maybe saw me ranting a bit today on Twitter and couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on. There was this thing where some once-powerful daddyblogger whose url ends in xxxgonemad.com was allegedly sending Favre-inspired texts and/or DMs to several mommybloggers (and to clarify, when I say Favre-inspired, I do not mean that he sends texts threatening to retire, but then doesn’t retire, and comes back to blogging, and then says he’s going to retire, and then comes back to blogging again). I don’t know what happened REALLY, I just know what a post written by Karen Sugarpants alleges happened. You can read her post here and decide for yourself.

Come to find out that it’s not just one person who has allegedly been receiving said texts or allegedly getting unwanted attention of a sexual nature from this formerly powerful daddyblogger, but in fact it’s many many mommybloggers, or mommyblogger hangers-on, many of whom seem to know about each other, and some of whom indeed seem to have communicated with one another about this behavior after the fact. I’m sitting here trying to envision how this would go down, and I think it must be a little something like this:

Mommyblogger 1: You know what is totally fucked up? Creepy dude just sent me a picture of his junk by text! OMGWTFBBQ1!
Mommyblogger 2: You know what is even more fucked up than that is that I got a picture of his junk too! OMGWTFBBQ1!
Mommyblogger 1: You too? OMG! What the hell?
Mommyblogger 2: Yeah, and also like 24 other people! Many of whom are talking to each other about it. Now, after the fact!
Mommyblogger 1: What should we do?
Mommyblogger 2: Well, I don’t see how we can do anything. The risks are clearly too high here.
Mommyblogger 1: Yes, because if we said anything to anyone, I mean, other than each other, we would —
Mommyblogger 2: We would suffer awful consequences, clearly. Awful consequences that dare not speak their name.

STOP.

YOU DO NOT start lecturing me about victims of rape and sexual crimes and shame and the fear of coming forward. Setting aside the disturbing fact that some people are comparing receiving junk texts via DM on Twitter to real, literal, bodily rape for a moment, let’s just focus on the fact that people who are capable of communicating with one another about this cannot possibly be undergoing the kind of shame and self-blame that keeps rape victims from coming forward. Is this dude a dirtbag, assuming this stuff is true? Of course. It goes without saying. But that’s not the whole story.

YOU DO NOT call somebody a hero for posting a passive aggressive post that reveals but doesn’t reveal, but does, but doesn’t reveal alleged criminal behavior about which many, many people have known for a long time and could have done something to protect other people but chose not to because they were selfish and wanted to do something for their own gain.

YOU DO NOT applaud a woman for staying silent, after all that we have worked for — NO, what our mothers and grandmothers have worked for, to get us this far.

YOU DO NOT take cover in the language of feminism that was developed to protect rape victims from patriarchal institutions that are historically designed to silence them, and turn it against another woman who is asking you WHY ON EARTH you would choose NOT TO USE YOUR VOICE against somebody who victimized you.

YOU DO NOT use your privilege of speech only when it is convenient to you, or when it makes you feel good, or when there is a clear reward at the end of the tunnel. You use it because you have to, because it’s the right thing to do and because you HAVE to. You use it because you have an obligation to the rest of us to use it.

Asking that people take personal responsibility to protect others from being victimized is not “blaming the victim,” and you know it. YOU KNOW BETTER. Suggesting otherwise is insulting to the women who have been physically assaulted by men they have worked for, who have spoken up and lost their jobs, and not been able to feed their children, and not been able to get back to where they were in their careers even 10 or 20 years after the fact. That is harassment. That is a high risk situation, THOSE are consequences.

Heroes. What a fucking joke.

Comments (95)

  1. Nov 1, 2010

    And she called you taint face.

  2. Sara
    Nov 1, 2010

    Best thing you’ve ever written. Blogging and twitter are spectator sports for me and I was GLUED to twitter today watching it unfold. I’m sure I used half of my new limited punk ass AT&T data plan following all the @-replies and individual twitter feeds, but it’s worth it to say that you are so money. 100% agree with you Anna and I’m so very proud of you for speaking up.

  3. Nov 1, 2010

    Bravo Anna.
    First as a woman who has been the victim of DV, I know a hero when I see one, and Karen is not. A hero would have put a stop to this the minute it happened. A hero would have spoke up the minute it was found out there were other victims. A hero would have put a stop to these eons ago. She wrote that entry for personal gain, period.

    I have to add how fucking disgusted I am in those who knew about this and said nothing. You have failed me as a woman, mother, sister. You all want to spew about the awesome community you have here, but when given the chance to actually do something more than just throw donations at someone you failed.

    I tell you what, if a mommy blogger sent some daddy blogger a tit or vagina shot, and people found out that woman would have been hung to dry the minute it happened. She would have been called a slut, people would have tracked her down personally, contacted her work etc, and all hell would have broke loose. But he supposedly does this, (and honestly at this point it’s only an accusation.) and people just whisper he’s a creepy guy and let it go on? Why the double standard?

    Doing the right thing is hard; if it were easy everyone would do it. But some people only do the right thing when others are looking, and that’s what happened here.

  4. Heather
    Nov 1, 2010

    Anna, I love you.

  5. Nov 1, 2010

    Anna, I agree. Primarily about the need and responsibility for women to speak out in circumstances such as these. I’m in the middle of writing, on my blog, about my summer-long ordeal with a stalker. And it’s not easy – after typing each post, there’s a little part of me that resists pressing ‘publish’ because it’s the most vulnerable stuff I’ve ever written (this, after a full published memoir!) But I do it because to contribute to the dialogue. To OPEN the dialogue for some. To do my part in taking female victimization out of the closet of shame and denial. To hopefully, hopefully, help someone avoid a similar situation or to give strength and empowerment and validation-of-self should they ever face it themselves. And I’m always so glad, moments after I hit ‘publish,’ that I did.
    (here’s the latest post, if you’re interested: http://honeyrockdawn.com/2010/11/part-iii/ )

  6. Nov 1, 2010

    Always. Someone runs into the building and screams “fire” then is all like “okay wait everyone settle down, it’s not a fire it’s actually a tornado, but not a real tornado you see there is a cold front and a warm front and what looks like a jet stream but I don’t know….okay it’s a fire but a small one so everyone JUST CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And can you boycott fires and tornadoes? Does this make any sense at all??
    To me this is how all blogging dramas go down.
    The passive aggressive post did more harm then good- I saw a number of innocent people being accused, which made me sick. Is it worth not naming names to hurt other innocent people in the process??
    I would call what this “un-named” blogger did sexual harassment and everything he allegedly did was harassment. Sexual harassment continues and gets worse the more you allow it to happen. It is a total power play.
    For it to go on that long and to so many women and for no one to say anything?!? That is sad.

  7. Nov 1, 2010

    Amen. It’s all I can say. AMEN. Good job Anna.

  8. Cy
    Nov 1, 2010

    First thing I’d do if someone sent me a picture of his dick, would be to tell all my friends, “Dumb Fuck sent me a picture of his dick!” I mean, I’d tell ALL OF THEM. And if anybody said, “Oh he’s not like that,” I’d say, “Oh, yeah? Here’s his dick picture.” Case closed.
    Additionally? The comments over there are hilarious. “Is it So and So?” “Is it Whathisname?” Hmmm. Sounds like they’re all pervy. (Relax. I know they’re not. Or do I?)

  9. Grace Davis
    Nov 1, 2010

    This abuse survivor says thank you, Anna, thank you.

  10. Ren
    Nov 1, 2010

    Yeah, Anna! Well done.

  11. Nov 1, 2010

    Wow. This whole thing got convoluted.

    I’ll say this: I’m not sure that this SPECIFIC situation is the right type of situation to spur a widespread discussion on when/how/where/whatever women should talk about being victimized.

    This, ultimately, will go down as yet another Internet kerfluffle featuring well known names. The kind we all read about and then pretend we didn’t read about because we’re all above gossip.

    And that’s fine.

    But it’s not, NOT, NOT AT ALL the time or place to start talking about what women owe one another or what a victim of sexual assault or abuse or stalking OWES. ANYONE. ELSE.

    I wish folks could step back and see that things have derailed a bit here. It’s gotten breathtakingly bad.

  12. Nov 1, 2010

    It’s tough coming from the perspective of someone who has been sexually assaulted because on the one hand, I didn’t speak up when it was me (and also a lot more serious an offense), but on the other hand, if I knew the guy was doing it to other women or it went on and on as long as this seemed to have been? You bet your ass I would’ve.

    I don’t want to condemn the women who experienced this, but I also don’t want to applaud them for letting it go on as long as it did either because that is not okay. They should’ve said something sooner, done something sooner and it’s really sad that they didn’t. As to how they can stand up and be proud of that, I don’t understand. I’ll never be proud of staying quiet and letting someone abuse me.

    No one is walking away from this situation in a good position, all I know is that they could’ve walked away from it much sooner and with less personal damage. And I simply cannot comprehend why they didn’t.

  13. Nov 1, 2010

    Wow. Had no idea.

  14. Nov 1, 2010

    Thank you for this post Anna, and for not drinking the Flavor Aid. (See, I like to be historically accurate when possible.) As if I didn’t have enough reasons to roll my eyes at the mommy-blaahging community, a juicy piece of what-the-fuck lands into the virtual lap of the internet. Seriously. What the fuck people? It is moments like these that make me want to call my doc and say “Have you SEEN the internet?? Why am I the one on anti-crazy meds?”
    Maybe the problem is that, as I said on twitter, I would have posted that shit IMMEDIATELY if I was in that position. Why all the worry about the dude’s wife? Clearly he doesn’t give a shit about her if he’s flashing his wang at everyone. Why is NOT calling the guy out considered classy? If some famous dude walked up to you and showed you his dick, would you post veiled tweets of disapproval but protect the guy’s identity? “Dear guy who won that Oscar one year. Do NOT want to see your penis. Stop that pls.” Or what if someone you knew robbed a store. Would you make a post “To that guy who robbed that store. We all know it was you and we’ve all been talking about it. Knock it off, ok?” No, cause that would be insane, right? Why does this balding weasel get a free pass?

  15. Lauren (carterbiosea)
    Nov 1, 2010

    my phone is dying so I must be concise: BRAVO.

  16. Nov 1, 2010

    Bravo.

    I don’t get the culture of silence that the mummybloggers exist in. Silence and occasional passive aggressive posts. Seriously, are we not adult enough to discuss things without having to whisper?

    And I’m not quite sure why so much emphasis was put on ‘protecting his marriage’. In my opinion, he lost that right when he started sending photos of his dick to women. Someone should have posted the photo with a NSFW warning, named and shamed and we could have all moved on.

    Maybe passive aggressive just makes my head hurt.

  17. Nov 1, 2010

    I was never sent a photo of this man’s penis (now, THAT’S a sentence I never thought I’d type) or have ever had a conversation with him, even, and while I would certainly do SOMETHING if I had — go to my husband and discuss the matter with him first, most likely — I don’t know if I’d hop on Twitter or post a blog about it right off the bat.

    I just don’t know that I’d take it online right away until after I took a bunch of steps offline first.

    It’s a serious situation, absolutely, but I think people handle these things in tons of different ways and the more cautious person isn’t always the wrong one. Just because you haven’t heard of the story before today, when a bunch of people said, “me too!” that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone was staying silent, does it? I mean, maybe people were taking legal action? Maybe? And that required them to be really careful what they said online? Possibly? God, I don’t know. I just know that assuming every woman who was approached shut her mouth out of fear might not be fair.

    I’m probably missing some info here, maybe, I don’t know. I agree with a whole bunch of what you’re saying, and it always makes me hesitate to comment on an issue I don’t know all the info about, but I just know that if it WERE me, I’d be really careful how I went forward online until after I talked thoroughly with some people offline first.

  18. Nov 1, 2010

    I will admit, i thought you lost your twitter mind today. but reading what has happened, makes me so nuts that i’m right there with you on it.

    NOT speaking about it is such a terrible lesson to our children. mummy blogger or not – what would you want your son or daughter to do? ssh up? just sweep it under a rug? think about that …

    Teach your children, and friends and yourselves, some self respect and stand up for something as important as this. And yes, it’s important – it’s not just some dude’s junk let’s all laugh about it. (this is how we get desensitized…)

  19. Nov 1, 2010

    Something else (!) fucked up about the whole thing: I was told Karen’s post referred to more than one “Internet Boy.” Who sent the dick photo(s)? Who are the other dudes, and who committed what offense? This is a problem with sort-of-vague not-really accusations.

  20. Laura
    Nov 1, 2010

    At my son’s football practice, the coach always says, “Boys, you gotta commit to the hit. Otherwise, someone’s gonna get hurt.” I think that applies here. Commit to the entire truth or risk innocent names being brought into the conversation. Of course, we know who this is now, but the comment section was a bit brutal in terms of conjecture. Perhaps comments should be moderated? Anna, how do you think this type of conversation (once started) should be/can be managed?

  21. Nov 1, 2010

    This really isn’t happening, really? People have too much damn time on their hands. Jeez US. Please tell me there was no use of that awful hipstamatic app in the taking of the schlong shots.

  22. I saw some of this today and I was disgusted that any woman would want to protect someone who would do this (allegedly) multiple times just because of his name. As Jennie said, maybe there’s something happening behind the scenes but I agree with you that passive aggressive should not apply in this situation.

  23. Lolly
    Nov 2, 2010

    Bravo Anna. What a bunch of wankers.

  24. Nov 2, 2010

    Sorry, this seems like a witch hunt to me. We don’t know–maybe we can’t know–the full story.

  25. Nov 2, 2010

    *GOLF CLAP*

    Though part of me thinks she is being vague because she’s full of shit and doesn’t want to get sued. I mean really? You can write a whole passive aggressive, diatribe about your struggle, tell the entire INTERNET you’re a victim of dick pics, however, you’re too classy to name names?

    No no no no no no….. You are either too chicken and need a does of the Feminist Mystique to get the balls to shut that asshole down: OR: You’re exaggerating.

  26. Nov 2, 2010

    You are absolutely right, Maria. There should be connection whatsoever to this event and discussions of rape survivors, sexual harassment victims, etc.

    Because this behavior, while awful and upsetting to the people who experienced it during times they were already under duress, is not the same as those events. To say it is is honestly the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen on the internet.

    And yet…that’s what I saw on Twitter yesterday. I saw people saying things like, “Would you say that to sexual harassment or rape victims?” Well, no. I wouldn’t. But this isn’t that. Just like I wouldn’t compare the day my dog got run over to, say, the Holocaust. Because they’re not the same. They’re both bad, but they’re not the same.

    And then I see people saying, “But think of his family. You’re ruining his family.” How is that not the ULTIMATE in the “blame the victim” game? You’re saying, “If you speak up, you are responsible for ruining his family.” No. The person who is responsible for ruining the family is the one taking and sending the photos and DMs. Somehow, though, in this twisted universe, it’s totally okay to put THAT on the shoulders of the victims…but if you say, “But why didn’t you say something sooner? And why didn’t you have him remove the picture of you wearing his t-shirt in his website store?” you are a horrible, horrible victim-blaming woman-hater.

    It’s disgusting. We’ve had bad kerfuffles before, but this…this exposes fault lines that I just cannot stand to look at.

  27. Nov 2, 2010

    This may be an unpopular stance but I totally disagree with this comment. I wouldn’t be writing publicly about my experience if I didn’t feel I OWE it to other women to do so. In my opinion, stating that ‘women who have been victims of predatory men don’t owe anyone else’ keeps them in a place of victimhood! It takes their power away. Change occurs when victims of hate crimes – against a race, religion, sexual orientation, or gender – stand up and speak out. Not everyone feels that they can do so, of course. But that in itself is part of the greater problem.

  28. Nov 2, 2010

    Karen Sugarpants’ post and the calls to keep this quiet, let’s not overreact now, coming forward is SO difficult in a situation like this, doesn’t do much to dispel the image of the blogging community as insular, self-important and rather akin to a high school extracurricular. (That’s it. I’m writing up a treatment and submitting it to Fox. “Blog!” will be the next “Glee!”) When you’re more interested in self-preservation and maintaining the status quo, pecking orders intact, then you’re not a community of adult professionals. Still wondering why the media doesn’t take bloggers seriously?

    When you’ve been mistreated, there are two ways to rightfully handle: Report the misdeed to the proper authorities, without fanfare or bringing attention to oneself, or take it public, hoping to rally a critical mass so you can then all go to the proper authority. But option 2 means you NAME NAMES. Otherwise, you’re just appropriating the heroism of *real* victims.

  29. Nov 2, 2010

    Yes! What of that?? By being equal parts sly, cowardly and passive aggressive, Karen left the door open to all that speculation. The names of good and kind men were bandied about, all because she didn’t woman up.

    Yeah, that’s some heroism.

  30. Heather
    Nov 2, 2010

    The problem is no one wanted to out him because in doing so tons of other similar behavior from other “boys” and the women who love their dick-and-balls tweets–not to mention attention at conferences–would be suspect, too, which the post vaguely warns. It looks like Karen posted because her husband, our real hero, learned about the missives which had previously been tolerated and threated to out him on Twitter. That would have blown more crap out of the water for her and others. The audience for her post was her husband.

  31. Nov 2, 2010

    Know what … I need to modulate that comment a bit. First of all, the hue and cry wasn’t coming solely from Karen’s blog (hola, Twitter), and other women have piped up to say they’ve been on the receiving end of the same foul treatment. So pointing fingers at Karen alone is not fair.

    However, she should have shut that speculation on her blog DOWN when people started calling uninvolved bloggers pervy and such.

  32. Nov 2, 2010

    Saying that someone OWES a response, a public one, just piles more pressure and guilt onto a victim. YES we should CELEBRATE those who have the strength to speak out. But should we make anyone feel that they OWE a damn thing? Hell. No.

    I understand where you’re coming from and I guess I’m just stuck on that concept of owing, obligation, etc. Women and men who are victimized have to find their own ways to heal in their own spaces. There should never been some perception that there’s a right or wrong way to carry on or an obligation.

    I hate discussing this in the same realm as discussing this asinine wiener texting issue. God.

  33. Nov 2, 2010

    I don’t know. Let’s say someone gets a dick picture and posts it right away, naming the guy. Then the guy’s friends come forward and say that it’s not a picture of the guy and that he would never do something like that. And other people come forward and say she’s just posting it to get attention and she should have handled it privately. I don’t think you can win in this situation.

    I agree that I want a guy who does this to be called out, both to punish him and to warn other women. I agree that this isn’t a “high risk” situation. I agree that staying silent feels wrong. But some people aren’t as thick-skinned as you are, and I don’t think it’s fair to tell other people that there was one right way to react.

    Also, I agree with Maria’s earlier comment.

  34. Nov 2, 2010

    Yes, What Maria is saying. Here’s my deal- it’s not that I disagree with Anna, because I think she has a point and the point is largely correct. But the way it was delivered? NOT effective. I left a comment, with a similar sentiment, without ATTACKING anyone, and I got a few nasty comments my way in return (i.e. I was blaming the victim). I’m not. And just like people who were making accusations that saying someone should have spoken up are blaming the victim, going around and well, actually blaming the victim isn’t helpful either. All I’m saying is maybe delivering this same message without all the angry language would have been a better way to go.

  35. Nov 2, 2010

    Karen put this out in the public. She did so in a way that put other, innocent people, into the line of fire and she did so very passive aggressively. If I were in her shoes, I would not have made it public unless I was willing to make it public. All of it.

    You not only have to “blog with integrity”, but you have to live with integrity. If you’re not willing to name names, then maybe you should not be willing to post publicly veiled jabs and information?

    I understand that she’s been victimized and that guy is a fucking asshole. I think she should fry him. However, I respectfully disagree on how she handled it and am annoyed that anyone who disagrees with how she handled it is being labeled as “mean” and “victimizing the victim”.

  36. Nov 2, 2010

    Well, but aren’t victims allowed to feel angry? Isn’t telling victims they’re not allowed to respond angrily the same as telling them they should have said something?

    Because I’ve been a victim of behavior like this (NOT from this guy, who I don’t know at all–just to be clear). And what pisses me off to this day about it is not so much the behavior itself…but the fact that I found out later that the guy who did it had been doing it for years, and no one said anything. That left ME to be the one to say something, at age 20, when things spiraled out of control to the point where the guy was leaving me messages telling me that he knew my address (and rattling it off) and my schedule (and rattling that off too) and then telling me what horrible things he was going to me when he got there that night.

    And when I finally, at the dumb, naive age of 20, complained, I found out that he’d been saying stuff to women for YEARS, and nobody did anything because it would have been inconvenient and people might have not liked them anymore. Those women were all in a much better position than I was to put a stop to it, but they didn’t. They left it to me. I had to quit the job, and then I had to move out of state. And I’m still pissed about it, nearly 20 years later.

    It’s not unreasonable to feel angry when you find out that people with a fair amount of power covered up something that harmed people (and advertised…advertised! for the guy in question).

  37. Nov 2, 2010

    Here are some ways you can win in that situation:

    1. Call the police. The police will contact him. He will be scared, and the behavior will (likely) stop.

    2. Tell him, “If you ever send me shit like this again, I will make it public. If I ever hear that you’ve sent shit like this to anyone, I will make it public. I will be asking around. I need you to be clear on the fact that this behavior stops completely right now, I WILL MAKE IT PUBLIC.” Because as you can see from his reaction, the threat of making it public is often enough. You rarely have to actually do it (and if you do, you have a true nutjob on your hands, and you need to call the police before it gets scary-worse).

    3. Tell him, “Take that fucking picture of me wearing your t-shirt off of your website. If it’s not gone in 24 hours, I will post this picture you just sent of you on MY website.” Because when other victims see you on there, and they see that you are a big deal and you endorse this guy by wearing his t-shirt in a photo on his store, they think, “Wow, this guy has powerful friends. I’d better keep silent.” He is using your image to give himself the credibility he needs to lure other people in. Don’t let him.

    4. Tell other people privately what happened. Warn them. Then, later, when he tries to victimize them, they can be prepared. The reason bad guys prey on people who are vulnerable is that they are unprepared to deal with them. Warn them so they aren’t unprepared, and there will be fewer victims.

    If nothing else, let’s at least learn something from this so the next time this happens it doesn’t go on for years. There are ways to shut these people down. It doesn’t need to get to this point.

  38. Nov 2, 2010

    Typical! I take a few days off to clean out my closets and all hell breaks loose. And here I thought my closets had a lot of junk in my closets–thank God that didn’t include a picture of Danny Evans’s.

    IMO his “Hot Wife” deserves to know what’s been going on. So she can tell her attorney.

  39. slynnro
    Nov 2, 2010

    I don’t think it is unreasonable to be angry no one spoke up, but I don’t think communicating that anger via angry 140 character sentences is really aiding the discussion about the matter. I just think it pushes people to their respective sides on the matter in a way that doesn’t really facilitate talking about the issue.

    And to say that considering the consequences for Perv Gone Mad’s family isn’t something that should even be thought about when deciding how to handle this is pretty ridiculous to me. That is not my way of saying one should consider NOT saying anything, but that you have to decide HOW to say anything.

  40. Nov 2, 2010

    Oh, I agree, Kerry. I don’t think we know whether anyone or everyone did something privately or not. I was just trying to say that I don’t think calling a guy out on the internet is necessarily easy or the best option.

  41. Nov 2, 2010

    I really don’t have a problem with Karen’s method of exposure (heh). She wanted it to stop. Taking it public would make it stop. But she didn’t quite have the balls (HEH) to try and crash and burn someone publicly. I might have done the same thing. Especially since this person has a well-documented history of mental illness and this kind of behavior seems a desperate cry for…something. So I don’t mind how she did it. Mostly I’m just glad that someone spoke up. We can debate the merits of her approach, but for me, the fact that she did say something counts.

    Because then learning that there were other women, many, many, many women, who experienced this same thing, and that they knew they were not alone, they knew there were many, many, many other women, and none of THEM said anything? That is what pissed me off. That’s pretty crappy and I think you are 100% correct to call them out. This is how bad people get away with bad things, folks, when you just keep looking away and whispering.

    And I reject the argument that I’m supposed to be worried about his wife. It was his job to be worried about his wife.

  42. Nov 2, 2010

    Oh, I agree that it’s reasonable to consider the effect on the family. I would have handled this less publicly for that reason.

    But I’m blown away by the irony of people saying, “Don’t blame the victims” and “Let’s not talk about this at all because it will ruin his family.” For me, those two statements don’t go together at all.

    If this is true, and his family ends up in ruins, that’s his doing. It’s not fair to blame the people who objected to his behavior for that.

  43. Nov 2, 2010

    Completely uncool, Katy.

    There have been plenty of things I agree with in this comments section and plenty of things I don’t.

    But you’re just being a douchebag for the sake of being a douchebag.

  44. Nov 2, 2010

    You say douchey, I say asking an honest question. Why is it okay to publicly write a cryptic post about some asshole harassing you, but not naming names? I mean, why do it? Why put it out there on the internet? Sure, I can word things better, but I honestly don’t understand why you wouldn’t name names, not to mention risk other people being lumped in with this asshole. Sure, I’m not a big fan of Avitable, BHJ, Mayopie, etc. But all of them, and that Neil guy, were brought up for being the dick pic perp, because she left that window open. How is that fair or cool?

    I have a right to cast doubt when people are not 100% honest with what they are accusing in a public forum. To do be coy is to be cowardly, as well as to leave the window open for people who have nothing to do with this to be dragged in.

    I feel badly for this woman having to deal with this asshat. However, I have a right to disagree and to voice my opinion on a situation that people make public. Who knows? Maybe she’s being savvy as to not name names, so she doesn’t get sued?

  45. Nov 2, 2010

    Also, I rattled off that post before coffee and after becoming highly annoyed with the cyber circle–jerkily and handwringing in the comments section, so my snark meter was off the charts. My wording is not nice, and for that I’m sorry because even I can have more tact than that, however I stand by my sentiment that the matter this was carried out pings my doubt meter.

    It may not be “nice”, but I’m still wondering “why?”

  46. Nov 2, 2010

    MANNER. NOT MATTER. MANNER.

    gah.

    This is what happens when I let the internet distract me.

  47. Nov 2, 2010

    There is absolutely a difference between asking honest questions to seek honest answers and fanning the flames of hysteria or just being offensive for offensiveness’ sake.

    It’s all in the approach and you, say, taking a sledgehammer to a lock when you could very well have used a key is ineffective, childish, and damns the faintest hope of a discussion.

    Also, I don’t think you understand the difference between having the luxury of doing something and having the right to do something.

    And to everyone: The one thing that has occurred to me in all this that I’ve yet to see stated (and there have been a lot of well-scripted, salient points voiced) is that maybe Karen was approaching this incrementally? Maybe she was giving the offending party a warning: “It stops here, or it gets handled in a way that names you.”

    I don’t think that’s passive-aggressive. I think that’s showing some mercy, and hoping that the message is heeded by the intended party.

    All this is only conjecture on my part, though. I don’t know Danny at all and I know very little of Karen. I will say this, though: I’m not comfortable with people whaling on her. This man apparently approached his victims in a calculated fashion, during a very vulnerable time for them.

    And ultimately, the way ANY victim processes the offenses levied against them is extremely personal and varies wildly from person to person.

  48. Cy
    Nov 2, 2010

    The whole post was weird. I didn’t get the over the top gushing Karen did re: her saintly husband & fairy-tale marriage. Dick Pix was not trying to woo her away from her rock solid marriage. Guys send pictures like that to shock, demean and degrade women. It’s a power thing, not a romantic overture. Duh!

  49. Cy
    Nov 2, 2010

    Oh! And believe me. His wife knows.

  50. Nov 2, 2010

    Point taken and understood.

    It really isn’t my intention to further victimize this woman. I’m infuriated with what happened to her, and I see what you are saying when maybe she meant this as a warning. I guess I get suspicious when someone posts something incendiary and then wonders “why all the fuss?”, when anyone could tell you a post like that is going to go off rails.

  51. Nov 2, 2010

    Maybe she did. My beef isn’t really so much with her, because maybe she’s been handling this for a long time and this is just the finale…or maybe she handled it imperfectly. I don’t know. I don’t know her from Adam.

    My beef is that if I object at all, I see people on Twitter saying things like, “Would you treat sexual harassment and rape victims like this too?” Well, fuck you. I spent my entire career helping sexual harassment victims. I got into that line of work in part because I WAS a sexual harassment victim. So I feel very strongly that if we don’t talk loudly and publicly about how to handle these things when they occur, more women will be victimized.

    We need to be able to discuss how to handle situations like this. Silence (or high-fives) don’t help anyone except perpetrators.

  52. Nov 2, 2010

    We’ve reached the threshold on threaded replies, Kerry, so I’m responding here to tell you that I agree with everything you said just now wholeheartedly. The stigma needs to be lifted from victims and placed squarely on the shoulders of perpetrators.

    I think anyone who would actually _say_ bullshit like “Would you treat sexual harassment and rape victims like this too?” is an idiotic jackass who doesn’t have a real grasp on the seriousness of the issue(s) at hand. It’s a very insulated, childish sort of statement.

  53. Nov 2, 2010

    Then we agree.

    I’d fistbump you, but I can’t because this is the internet, so I’m eating some Halloween candy as a kind of delicious symbolic fistbump. I encourage you to do the same.

  54. Nov 2, 2010

    I’ll probably get lambasted for this because it will sound like I’m somehow supporting sexual assault, but his actions were more on the laughable side than the serious side. Were they predatory? Yes. Did they come close to sexual assault or rape? No. The guy used the Internet to send dick pictures to women he was trying to manipulate into cybersex. It’s creepy as fuck and extremely predatory. But it’s not rape. This is not a woman staying quiet about the man who raped her. Or assaulted her. It’s her letting him know that his actions are unacceptable. It also caused a group of women to be aware that they had all been preyed upon, so it had a benefit.

    I always respect the fact that you’re not afraid of anyone – it’s my philosophy, too. I just think you picked the wrong target this time.

  55. Jilla
    Nov 2, 2010

    This comment >>> Heather November 2, 2010 at 6:36 am

    is bang on. Heather, you’re one smart lady.

    And, Anna, YOU rock! I hope you know that. I don’t have patience to follow the weekly dramas, posts, twitter time lines and frankly — the token mom bloggers and their legions of minions annoy the fuck out of me. Still, their drama and causes of the week are truly entertaining and better than most reality television.

    I love that I can come here, to one place, and read someone who TELLS it. Keep up the good work.

  56. Nov 2, 2010

    I don’t want to bash any of the victims but I’m blown away by the fact that it’s gone on for a year. A YEAR! I understand how some people might ignore it at first, hope it goes away, but after it turns into multiple incidences… and if you THEN find out it’s happening to other people… I’m just flabbergasted. It would be creepy enough if it happened to ONE woman and got reported fairly quickly. The fact that it was (apparently) so many women over such a length of time means there’s something wrong; there are codes of silence that are still working against us.

  57. Carla Hinkle
    Nov 2, 2010

    The mommy-blog-o-sphere loves having “in” and “out” people … it’s fun (apparently) to have secrets from others, and let them KNOW they’re not in on the secret. That’s why mommy bloggers are always sending cryptic, public tweets instead of DM’s.

    Unfortunately here, the “we have a secret from you less cool people” habit actually kept valuable information from the community at large … that there’s a creepy dad blogger sending Brett Favre-style pictures of himself around.

    I don’t see the point of a post without naming the guy. Send him a very pointed email, cc’ing your husband (if you like), but if you want to put up a post, he should be named. Otherwise it’s more mysterious, “cool kids club” bullshit.

  58. June
    Nov 2, 2010

    What Karen did was a slap in the face to ALL of the women out there who have suffered ANY kind of harassment or violence. Period.

    With my boss it all started with a text that said, simply enough, “Good morning beautiful.” She ignored it. Over the next two months it escalated to more personal texts and emails about the clothes she was wearing, how she wore her hair, how nice her skirt or pants looked. Then one morning she received a text, on a company phone no less, with a picture of an erect penis with the subject line, “Your blouse does this to me whenever you wear it!”

    This man was a co-worker of mine and my boss should have said something the minute she got that very first text that made her uncomfortable, it would have saved me a lot of misery. It wasn’t alright that she kept quiet because she was going through a messy divorce, her mother had just been diagnosed with colon cancer and was depressed. She should have opened her mouth and spoken up. She should have stopped things before it got as bad as it did and before this man cornered ME next to the supply alcove in the office and shoved his tongue down my throat and his hand down my blouse and inside my bra. Had SHE said something the minute she got that first text, he would have been fired instantly and I would never have been subject to anything else, nor would the three other women who had been receiving nude text photos.

    What he did was wrong, but what you did, by keeping quiet, was no better. Heroes earn it. You opened your mouth when it was convenient and you apparently used this situation for your own benefit. Why didn’t you say something the minute it happened? Much less all the other women who received photos? Something doesn’t make sense.

    Anna, thank you for writing this, especially in light of several of the passive-aggressive comments you’ve received that say little more to me than someone who doesn’t want to agree with you outright for fear of being ostracized in the blogging community. Yet they won’t disagree either, for the same reasons. We tear each other down enough in this community and what Karen did was to reinforce that it’s okay for the A-lister wannabes to stay in their little conclave of quietness and then cry wolf long after the time to have stopped the wolf in his tracks would have meant anything real and meaningful to anyone else who may have been caught between his claws.

  59. June
    Nov 2, 2010

    Adam, this makes no sense at all. If in fact this isn’t victimization (by the way, for an attorney, I’m really disappointed that you fail to acknowledge the seriousness of this. Had this been taking place in an office environment, he would have been fired ASAP!) then why did Karen have to post anything at all, let alone tip-toe around who it was when it’s OBVIOUS, even to a blind man, who it was?!?!

    And for an ENTIRE GROUP of women to act this way and have it be okay? Not even. Since when is it acceptable for this to be wrong now, but it wasn’t just as wrong when it initially happened, and to allegedly as many women as it happened to?

    And you think his actions were laughable? So, seeing as how you consider this laughable, is Karen still going to consider you one of her best “girlfriends” when you’re pretty much laughing the entire thing off? So, this is all amusing predatory behavior then? It’s creepy as fuck but it’s laughable?

    Talk out of both sides of your mouth much?

  60. Nov 2, 2010

    It almost sounds like some people in this comment thread are JEALOUS they didn’t know about these theoretical dick texts. That’s . . . wow. If only the cool people had gossiped publicly about this issue, so the less cool people could have found out earlier and not felt left out, right? Yeah, sorry, not buying the whole “supporting fellow victims” crap from some of you.

  61. Nov 2, 2010

    I don’t think I said anything about it not being wrong when it initially happened. In an ideal world, as soon as it happened, someone would have spoken up and it would have stopped. But unless you’ve got a Delorean hidden up your ass along with that giant stick, we can’t go back in time and fix that.

    Instead, why not be glad that it’s come to light now? It’s still happening, it’s still wrong, and now it’s out there.

    This is serious but it’s fucking miles away from assault or rape. There are degrees, and if we treat every flasher like he’s a rapist, it takes away from the victims of rape and assault. It diminishes the pain and suffering that they’ve gone through.

    And yes, something can be creepy, predatory, and still laughable. A flasher is creepy and predatory, but in the end, it’s a guy in a coat showing his little dick to people, hoping for a response. That’s laughable.

    I’ve been aware of his actions for quite some time, and I’ve communicated with him privately about that – I was responsible for the last time he took his blog and Twitter offline. I hoped that had ended it, but it didn’t. And once I heard that he’s at it again, i responded in my own way, and I also put a post up that is less subtle than Karen’s.

    I don’t condone his actions in any way, but jumping on someone who finally spoke up? I just don’t get this mob mentality.

  62. Nov 2, 2010

    These are great points. I have a hard time commenting on this thread. I see people being judgmental of the way victims of sexual harassment have handled it. People react to things differently, you know? The culture of shame built around victims needs to stop.

    I was the victim of unwanted touching in a public situation. I was young at the time and I didn’t know what to do. After we left the situation and I told my boyfriend what happened, he got mad at me. “Why didn’t you say something,” he yelled at me, which made me feel even worse. I was so shocked and ashamed and afraid of what was happening and feeling like it was somehow my fault. I couldn’t even explain to him why I remained silent. This was over 20 years ago and it still makes me feel scared and ashamed.

    I missed the whole Twitterfuffle, thank God, so I can’t comment on how things might have been handled better or differently, but please as women lets approach the victims of sexual crimes with some compassion and understanding. I wasn’t brave enough to out my attacker when it happened and because I didn’t know him, for all I know he continued victimizing other people. Maybe that’s my fault, but I can’t change the fact that I was to afraid, confused, ashamed and upset to do anything. I was just…frozen.

  63. Nov 2, 2010

    Thank you Kerry, for this. Everyone should take this comment and memorize it, and the next time some pervy dude starts acting inappropriately toward you online, at work, at school, at church, wherever (because you know there’ll always be pervy dudes), look at this list to figure out what you can do.

  64. Nov 2, 2010

    I’ve already said pretty much everything I intend to say on this topic in my post, but it obviously requires repeating that I was not the one to introduce rape into this discussion. Nor was anybody who was being critical of how this was handled. OK? Please note that. None of us on “this side” of the argument EVER would have done that. That, friends, was done by all of the people who kept saying “blame the victim” yesterday, and most specifically, by tweets like this one, from one of our friends who was also the recipient allegedly of unwanted sexual advances — to the point of having to block the perpetrator on IM, in fact! — of which Karen Sugarpants “is well aware,” despite her claim, in a post today that magnanimously forgives me and others for all of our many wrongs against the Mounties of Ultimate Butthurt, that to “somehow know somehow already know there were other women over the last 3 years” would indeed take “super powers.”

    I know all of this from reading the public record of comments on Karen’s site, so don’t claim ignorance of the fact that he was doing this to other people. If you want to pretend like this was all a fucking mystery, at least get your stories straight and cover your tracks better, ladies.

    I SAID, GOOD DAY!

  65. Nov 2, 2010

    I can see why Mr. Right Click went on the record saying you shouldn’t post this, but I am glad you did Anna. I am late replying, as usual, but fortunately you and Kerry have covered any points I would have wanted to add.

  66. Carla Hinkle
    Nov 2, 2010

    No jealously. Sometimes I do get frustrated when bloggers I follow on Twitter fill their stream with hints and inside jokes. I guess that’s fun for the folks that are in on them. Not so much for us run-of-the-mill followers.

    But what I meant was that here that tendency (and I don’t just mean Karen’s post) came out in a much more serious subject matter. I certainly would like to know if a blogger I read is harassing other bloggers, because I wouldn’t keep reading the harasser. Instead I spent the better part of a day trying to figure it out, and for most of the day I thought that ANOTHER dad blogger, who isn’t implicated at all, was the harasser. Not cool.

    So Karen’s post, which hinted but didn’t really give out useful information, seemed to me another version of the hailstorm of hinting tweets from a wide variety of people. I don’t see the use of putting out that kind of information unless you’re going to make it usable to others.

    And I don’t think I took a stand on the “supporting the victim” line of comments.

  67. Nov 2, 2010

    Until we correct the shaming that happens to victims of any sort of sexual crime, people aren’t going to speak up.

    I wrote above about an incident that happened to me back in 1985. Its something I have brought up only once or twice since. Shame. Again, I can’t comment on what was said or not said on Twitter because I thankfully missed that whole mess, but I will say that there’s nothing instructional, helpful or empowering to any women when we start condemning another woman for coming forward. Maybe we don’t like how she said it, but its her story to tell. Her situation to handle.

    Whatever reasons Karen gave for why she waited so long I did not see. I can only put myself in her shoes and know that in the same situation, I would be very hard pressed to express my reaction to what happened in words that would make everyone happy. What happened to Karen was wrong. What this guy did to other women was wrong. Someone came forward and ended the cycle. I don’t see how crucifying her in this manner is useful or helpful to other women.

  68. Nic
    Nov 2, 2010

    What bothers me is not so much the silence surrounding the perviness, it’s that there was public support for him too. Some of the same people who are lining up to say that he’s a nasty perv are the same people who publicly lauded his book, have had him as a contributor to their site, have engaged via twitter, etc.

    I really do wonder if some of the reason people have been hesitant to come forward is the amount of general inappropriateness between men and women in the mommyblogosphere. I’m not going to go so far as to say that the women on the receiving end of this deserved it, not at all, but rather that lines were made very, very blurry by very many people and while this line was crossed (and stomped on) it wasn’t necessarily a giant leap from what we see play out everyday. Might I remind everyone about Her Bad Mother’s very good post about these boundaries? http://herbadmother.com/2010/02/love-in-the-time-of-internet/

  69. LIndsay
    Nov 2, 2010

    I love this post, despite the gross inaccuracy of the mounty pants in your header (there should be big bulges on the side – I have no idea why, I am Canadian but not in the mounty pants design industry). 🙂 Thank you for just saying who is alleged to have been sending pics, like a sensible person. So many guys were having mean things said about them, and it could have been avoided if someone would have just said who it was. I felt like such a jerk when the guy I guessed it to be (in my head, not typed out) was not the guy.

    Also…does your blog name stand for something? I had to type random letters into google for some time, but eventually got here.

  70. Socks
    Nov 2, 2010

    I find this whole thing straight out bizarre.

    Karen Sugarpants isn’t shy about calling you Taintface so why does she turn shrinking violet when it comes to taking on some jerk sending creepy photos. According to her telling of the story, her husband is 100% behind her and surely all the mummy blogger fans would be their usual loyal selves, so what was the problem?Surely if someone in this position can’t speak up, no one can.

    According to her telling of things, she was held back by the thought of wrecking his family, but she could have followed the Kerry plan, which is proactive and assertive, without using public outing as a first step. Instead she seems to have heard nothing but “ignore” advice, which seems strange.

    And I too am bothered by the allusion that lots of “internet boys” are doing this.

    A lot of questions were raised that weren’t answered.

    I wouldn’t have done things your way either, Anna, but you are asking the right questions starting with WTF.

  71. Nov 2, 2010

    “I really do wonder if some of the reason people have been hesitant to come forward is the amount of general inappropriateness between men and women in the mommyblogosphere. ”
    YES AND YES! Thank you Nic.
    Maybe that is the greater issue that needs to be discussed, if we must make an issue of it.
    I keep thinking of that line in the movie Juno (really she’s quoting movie lines it is become that desperate) where the step mom tries to explain that there is lines in a marriage and you don’t cross those lines with a married man.
    And in fairness I will add married woman.

    THANK YOU!

  72. Nov 2, 2010

    Wow!! This is like a total whack job of a story!! I do not understand why the Internet is a place for pervs. I have been through domestic violence, and the people around me knew. All of them! No one ever, ever said anything or tried to help other than my Mama. I never tried to make the police listen after the officers in Dallas threatened to arrest me, as well as my stupid ass ex, after I hit him back. How are we supposed to help ourselves if we can’t get anyone to help us?? I’m just saying!

  73. Laura
    Nov 2, 2010

    “And I too am bothered by the allusion that lots of “internet boys” are doing this.”
    —-
    This is very troubling to me as well. I keep seeing comments saying things like, “Oh I thought it was so and so. Now I feel bad it was actually/allegedly this other person.”

    Why would conjecture point to a very specific cast of characters? Why would people even think that? Are behavioral norms slightly out of whack in this community? Are the outliers saying to the cool kids, “Hey, we thought your conversations/blog conference interactions were strange a long time ago. This is an opportunity to have that conversation.”

    Something bigger is going on here.

  74. ABDPBT stands for “All But Dissertation Pretzel Brain Twist.” I don’t know what to say about this mess except that I want to see this sicko be punished but I do know what ABDPBT stands for!

  75. Rosa
    Nov 2, 2010

    I think the craziest thing about this is that people keep referring to these bloggers as “popular” and “famous” and “powerful.”

  76. socks
    Nov 3, 2010

    A few more things.

    I just went and checked and the post that got Karen Sugerpants all riled up at Anna before was a Daddy blogging post, which is kind of strange.

    I also think it’s completely out of line for her to let comments stand on her blog accusing people of being creepy and possible penis picture perps when they aren’t the one. I know nothing about this N__ fellow, but shouldn’t some of Karen’s fans be telling her to take this stuff down so N’s first reference in Google isn’t Karen’s blog? Really, there seems to be no personal responsibility in any of this.

    Let guy send me penis pics and do nothing. Check.
    Let other guy be called the penis perv on my blog and insulted, and just let it stand. Check.
    Revel in what good, brave peeps we are despite all evidence to the contrary. Check.

    Bizarre.

    And I agree with Rosa. The penis perp was not powerful.

    This group of people are just children. They need to grow up.

  77. Nov 3, 2010

    When I said “famous” and “powerful” I meant within this particular context. For instance, they are powerful enough to get people commenting on their blogs openly, without the use of sockpuppets.

  78. SSB
    Nov 3, 2010

    I thought I was alone in resenting how Sugarpants’ post protected the perpetrator’s identity. That act denied me the chance to safeguard myself. Her line about protecting his family? Total bullshit. Self congratulatory, smug bullshit. Thanks for outing DadGoneMad — and ending the anti-blogging-dad witch hunt that I’ve witnessed these past few days.

    The content and tone of this post and thread are fascinating. I’m sitting here like a fool bobbing my head in agreement with so many of you. Thanks.

  79. Nov 3, 2010

    Alleged perpetrator. We don’t have any proof of anything other than what Sugarpants said. I don’t have a reason to doubt her, and other people have told me that there are reasons to believe this, but to date I have never seen any penis texts and so as far as I know there aren’t any penis texts in existence.

  80. Nov 3, 2010

    Maria – I think you and I are actually on the same page. By “need” in my original comment, I mean: a need for these things to be brought to light, and “responsibility” I mean the most literal: an ability to respond. But I can see how both those terms also can also be synonyms for “obligation,” which was not my intent. I do think this post of Anna’s and other posts that may be stemming from this are a GOOD thing – it is creating space for A LOT of dialogue around a topic that has historically been shrouded in silence.

  81. Nov 4, 2010

    Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that, too. The title was “internet boys” . . . so it sounds like she is implicating more than one person.

  82. Nov 6, 2010

    I assure all of you that I only send penis pictures to mommybloggers who WANT them. Important distinction.

  83. palomar
    Nov 17, 2010

    I’m sorry… your boss was going through what sounds like some incredibly awful personal issues (messy divorce, a dying parent, and depression — and evidently no compassion from her employee) on top of being sexually harassed herself, and you blame HER because you got groped by the guy that was also harassing her?

    Why don’t you lay some blame at the feet of the three other women that you mentioned he was sending nasty texts to?

    Better yet, why don’t you blame HIM for the groping, instead of one of his other victims?

  84. uberwensch
    Nov 17, 2010

    That is really not what she is saying. Why are people being so irrational here in this discussion? Don’t blame the victims? I don’t think Anna is blaming victims, nor is anyone else that agrees that it would have behooved the entire community if Karen had outed this creep, by name and dick, a long long time ago. Years ago, in fact. Why protect his wife? Why protect him? There is an importance to outing these creeps, because keeping it under wraps, protecting their identities, creates more victims. It seems pretty straight forward to me. That is what June is trying to say. We owe it to our community to get beyond our own fear of hurting some random creepy guy’s feelings and outing his junk to the world for the betterment of all potential recipients of penis mail.

  85. youvegottabefuckingkiddingme
    Nov 18, 2010

    You’re a fucking joke. Really.

  86. Nov 18, 2010

    What happened is that Jezebel published a half assed account of “SugarPants Gone Mad Gate” and now the International Rabid Internet Feminist Commando is frothing at the mouth to let Anna know just HOW UN-FEMINIST she is.

    Thanks for the blog hits, gals.

    *snore*

  87. Nov 18, 2010

    I would never yell at a woman to name her harasser or someone who sexually assaulted her. And I wish you hadn’t.

    I do wish more people would name and shame, though, and I’ve sworn to always do it myself and consider it my ethical responsibility.

    I think you are right that 20+ bloggers corroborating each others’ stories is an opportunity to act collectively, and we may still see that happen. I hope so.

    I don’t care if the guy’s kids google him 20 years from now and find out he sent a bunch of women photos of his cock. That won’t be Karen’s fault, or yours, it’ll be his fault! His problem!

    Did you watch this reporting of a sexual assault at ApacheCon play out over blogs and reddit and so on? Noirin named her attacker in public and got slammed for it big time.

  88. Nov 18, 2010

    It’s like arguing with people who have taken one FemStudies class and who are 18. There’s no point. I found myself starting to use Victorian-era insults and that was what made me finally realize it was time to leave the comment section at Jezebel.

  89. Nov 18, 2010

    I did see that, and to be honest I don’t know how I feel about that particular issue. On the one hand, I am kind of inspired by this new generation of women who seem to have examples of people who are so willing to speak out like that, in such a public way. And part of me thinks there is an obligation to do that to protect the community. But the fact is, I’m 37 now, and I don’t see the world in as black and white terms as I did when I was 24. There is part of me that is really uncomfortable with the ability of the internet to try and convict somebody like this.

    Now, in the case of Karen Sugarpants and Dad Gone Mad, the problem with the Jezebel article is that it doesn’t tell the whole story. It doesn’t explain what I’m talking about. The main issue I’m angry about is the silence of the community as a whole, and then the universal applause that Sugarpants got for this half-assed action on her part, the inside jokes they were making on twitter, and how juvenile the whole thing was. After the fact, she made it seem like she was trying to protect the family, but that was not the case. That was not the case at all.

  90. Nov 18, 2010

    I’ve been thinking what we need is actually “nameyourrapist.com”. So of all the people in this thread, how many of them would, say, right here, name the people they’re talking about who have sent them unwanted cock photos, harassed or sexually assaulted them? I’ve done it in various contexts and the fallout was interesting. So, for example, if you’re a blogger, and someone in the PTA or at work or something gropes you or something, is it “enough” to name them in context, ie, to the other PTA or school folks or at work, or do you have a greater responsibility to name & shame him in as broad of a context as possible – i.e. on your blog?

  91. Nov 22, 2010

    Had two depositions on 11/1, so I’m just now learning about this. I liked this blogger a lot and hope he’s getting help now.
    Most importantly, I’ve learned I have to stop twitpic’ing my johnson and forwarding it all over the internet TODAY.

  92. Nov 22, 2010

    Anna I just want to applaud you as well for being the real voice of so called mom bloggers. You are original and never compromise.
    Kas

  93. Meg
    Nov 23, 2010

    Awesome, so women get an internet shitstorm now for naming names AND for not! It’s sort of like the Madonna/whore complex but with a twist: there IS a way to “win”, and that’s not to post anything about our experiences with sexual harassment & assault at all. Wait, is that winning?

    You have a serious problem with the black/white fallacy. I agree she’s not a hero but has she actually claimed she was, or are you assuming anyone unheroic is worthy of being shat on for it? Other invalid dichotomies include feminist/sexist and victim/not-victim. There are always shades of grey at least, and often it’s more of a plane or a space than a spectrum.

    What do you think about women who have been physically assaulted and don’t report? There are a lot out there; IME there are more than there are women who do report. Do they get a pass for being victim of a scarier crime (which appears to be the reason you brought it up rather than mentioning harassment victims who report), or are they bad people too?

  94. Anne
    Dec 29, 2010

    Well, as a woman who was a longtime reader of this creeper, I would personally have VERY MUCH APPRECIATED this person being called out publicly. It was only after an anonymous person posted a reply to my question on another blog saying how much I missed his blog that I found out about this whole thing. I had even sent him a message saying how much his book and blog had helped me in dealing with my depression etc…I am just so totally creeped out by how completely duped I feel and how I was so convinced by how he spoke so genuinely about his wife and family and his struggle with depression and just…ugh. I just wonder how many other people he did this (or possibly even worse) to that aren’t “mommy-bloggers”, maybe just other readers of his blog or others that he interacted with online…is there no legal case being pursued by law enforcement for harassment if there are this many victims?

  95. Jan 7, 2011

    When did receiving photos of penises STOP being awesome??

    THAT’S THE QUESTION WE ALL NEED TO BE ASKING!!!

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