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Crazy Cat Guy

Crazy Cat Guy

Not everybody knows that, before we were married, Mr. Right-Click’s online moniker was The Dirty Rotten Cat Lover. This is because my husband is a dirty rotten cat lover and if you know a dirty rotten cat lover, then I don’t care what they’ve told you: they are just not like the rest of us.

I’m a dog lover — I make no bones about it: cats are fine, but I prefer dogs. You know where you stand with dogs. Cats make you work for it, and frankly, I don’t have time for that crap. Their food stinks, they are all weird about water (sometimes they like it, and then other times they get all Wicked Witch of the East about it), and at any moment they might just decide to open up one of your veins with a claw and there really isn’t anything you can do about it (except hope that they don’t). Don’t get me started on trying to make the bed with the cats around. Fuck that. Plus, every single one of the cats I’ve known has had some bizarre quirk that just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Like my old cat, Ryan, would react to eating Nacho Cheese Doritos as if they contained crystal methamphetamine. What’s that about?

At present, we only have cats at the Right-Click household because: 1) Mr. Right-Click is a dirty rotten cat lover; and 2) one day my Golden Retriever, Sidney, tried to bite off Mini’s face. So now Sidney and her unresolved food aggression live at my mom’s house and we have two cats that are the size of goddamn raccoons, Edie and Wubbzy/Chum-Chum/Moishe, who live with us and who take the stinkiest raccoon-sized poops I’ve ever encountered in my life. There are two litter boxes in my house and I’m constantly scooping them out, sweeping up around the poop boxes, and disinfecting the general areas with Clorox wipes (not a paid placement). Then, the second that I’m finished with this disgusting and infuriating twice to thrice daily procedure, one or the other of them will get into the box I’ve just cleaned, and rechristen it with their raccoon-sized poops. And the cycle continues. There’s a whole lot more that goes into the whole poop saga with the cats but I’ve never been much for scatological humor so suffice to say that I’m leaving a lot out here and this is but one-tenth of the drama that Maine Coon poop has caused around the Right-Click household of late. (You’re welcome.)

The latest saga with the cats is that we have to get another goddamn butt fugly cat tree. Because the one we have is a festival of fug that has lived through (counting on fingers) three cats before these two clowns showed up, and since these cats are so big, every time they climb up it’s possible they are going to break it. I’ve always hated this cat tree but Mr. Right-Click has had it from long before we met, so I’ve never been successful at getting rid of it. Now that we are talking about getting another one, it’s my contention that we should at least endeavor to get something tasteful instead of yet another carpeted monstrosity. And before you ask, not having a cat tree in one’s house, when you are a dirty rotten cat lover, is not an option. I spent the morning looking for options, or combinations of options, that are not horribly objectionable to have in my bedroom. Below is what I presented to Mr. Right-Click.

None of which Mr. Right-Click finds suitably “enriching” for the cats. This is what he wants to put in the bedroom.

Which is like, three times as ugly as what we have now, and twice as big. But wait, maybe if you see the video, you’ll be able to appreciate it.

He claims that he “acquiesced” on the choice of what kind of cat we were going to get this time (he wanted a breed that is only like one generation away from the wild — he wanted a half tiger cat, basically, internet!) but he’s not going to choose form over function on something this [cough.] important.

Internet, it’s not that I’m not painfully aware that this is a first world problem. It’s just that . . . they are fucking CATS.

Comments (31)

  1. Oct 19, 2010


    Look, I’m a total cat person–had them my whole life–but that…thing is a monstrosity. And in the bedroom? I don’t think so. (I kind of want the red one up there now though. Don’t tell my husband).

  2. Oct 19, 2010

    My GOD but that thing is huge.

    I have outdoor cats – so no litter problem for me. And sure, people will screech about the diservice I’m doing to the native wildlife and to that I’ll say I live in the middle of farming country. The paddocks surrounding me get poisoned twice yearly. What fucking native wildlife?

    The cats keep the rats and mice out of my poultry feed, they catch the starlings that are living in my shed roof and they keep rabbits away from the garden. Win/win/win. Plus when they’re playing the ‘I can get higher than you can’ game together, I can throw them out of the window and they can play in the real tree (also handy for catching sparrows and starlings in).

    I like cats heaps more when they’re outside.

  3. Oct 20, 2010

    Enriching! Something this important! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is the best post ever.


    And the litter box thing is why I can’t do cats anymore. Yes, I have to walk my dog outside and all that rot, but at least when she poops, it’s OUT OF THE HOUSE. I don’t want animal poop in my house! Ever! Not even for a second!

  4. Oct 20, 2010

    This post is making me grateful that I am too allergic to have anything in my house that isn’t human.

  5. Oct 20, 2010

    I just told him that the response was overwhelmingly against him. He is in denial. I expect an angry comment from him later. It will probably involve some kind of insult about my website’s name.

  6. Oct 20, 2010

    Yeah, we can’t have them outside, coyotes and/or cars would get them. We would let them out on the deck and patio, but Edie is uh . . . not particularly smart, and when we let her out once she couldn’t find her way back and got lost and totally freaked out, and then I had to go find her. So that didn’t work out.

  7. Oct 20, 2010

    I know, people talk about cats being clean, and it’s like, uh, yeah. Clean . . . with their tongues. So, you know . . . “clean.” I mean, how do you define “clean,” exactly?

    He is 100% serious about the enriching. On the one hand, it’s hilarious. On the other hand, he is 100% serious and it’s my bedroom. And he ordered that damn thing, which have you noticed? They’ve named it “Rome”! Rome for cats. Those cats are going to be splayed out eating grapes with servants (that’s me) fanning them, heading off to the vomitorium afterwards like Caligula or something.

    But you know what, honey, ROME FELL.

  8. Oct 20, 2010

    I love animals, but I’ll tell you what, somedays . . . it’s tough.

  9. Oct 20, 2010

    I spit my coffee out all over my computer when I saw his choice. I was not expecting that after your very tasteful ones.

  10. Oct 20, 2010

    I used to be on the fence on the dog/cat thing. I liked both equally and thought a proper household deserved both. And then we got our cat. Who stomps on my face all night, weighs 700 pounds, and randomly sets up ambushes that involve hiding inside doorways and wrapping her claws around your leg as you go through. She has the dog completely cowed and regularly wounds guests who think she looks “friendly.” The only thing she’s been good for is teaching the 2 year old kindness to animals, because she will calmly take abuse only from children until the point when it becomes serious. Then she lashes out.

    The point is: now I’m firmly a dog person.

    And that thing is a monstrosity. Mr. Right-Click? You are out of your ever-lovin’ mind.

    Can you put a TV on top of it and pretend it’s an entertainment center?

  11. Oct 20, 2010

    Y’all are a bunch of hateful cat haters. Dogs are needy and they smell like dog.

    (I have two dogs, but they are livestock guardian dogs and don’t come in the house.)

    I covet Mr. Right-Click’s selection – but I covet the fancy cat trees, too. 🙂

  12. Oct 20, 2010

    Well I am a cat person but wouldn’t put that thing anywhere in my house.

    I loved the first date post with Mr. Right Click but it didn’t have a click through to the 2nd date so I’m waiting in suspense. What happened?

  13. Oct 20, 2010

    I have officially been given permission to design and fashion a custom alternative, provided it meets Mr. Right-Click’s standards for “enrichment,” but until then I am supposed to live with that thing in my bedroom. So in between doing all this other crap, I’m now going to be a custom cat furniture designer.

  14. Oct 20, 2010

    My only hope is designing my own elaborate system of cat tunnels and perches and climbing things that aren’t butt fugly, submitting the sketches to Mr. Right-Click for approval, and having the whole thing built by a handyman. Because that stupid thing is already on its way to my house.

  15. Oct 20, 2010

    But look at how ugly that thing is! You can’t hide it! We are going to have to buy a new house to accommodate the size of the cat tree.

  16. Oct 20, 2010

    The second part is here.

  17. Oct 20, 2010

    I vetoed the cat tree for our three cats when I realized we’d be spending over $100 for plywood covered in cheap carpet. They’ve managed to survive without it, though they do enjoy sleeping on the barstools.

    And my brother has one of those half-tiger cats (known as Bengals). She’s the brattiest little creature I’ve ever met; I don’t trust her around Mittens. Believe me, you’re better off without one.

  18. Oct 20, 2010

    Well, what we did was just give up and give the whole house over to the enrichment and comfort of the cats. Possibly y’all aren’t quite ready for that level of lunacy just yet! (We foster kittens for a local no-kill cat shelter and have, um, one or two of our own.)

  19. Oct 20, 2010

    Holy crap. You’re going to have to move Mini out of his room and give it to the cats just to fit that fugly monstrosity in there.

  20. Oct 20, 2010

    I have to tell you, I’ve come back like four times to re-read this, and it is no less awesomely funny than it was the first time. He has enrichment requirements! For the cats! It’s just so hysterical!

    Rome! You’re building ROME in your bedroom! HAHAHAHA.

  21. Oct 20, 2010

    They’re cats. Their lives are enriched by plotting your demise and by crumpled aluminum foil balls.

  22. Oct 20, 2010

    That is a very funny story! I love the gaping mouth expression when Brad Pitt walked in, and I too used to eat raw hamburger meat and like my meat cooked rare. So does my son. It may be genetic.

  23. Oct 20, 2010

    Okay, okay, okay, I have questions. I only watched half the video but:
    1) I see four cats. You have two, right? Why do you need such a giant enrichment device?
    2) That thing looks to be about 14 feet high. How high are your ceilings?
    3) Mr. Right-Click, being the fantastic feline fan that he is, knows that cats are nocturnal? How are you going to get any sleep with this amazing toy in your bedroom?

    And a statement: That is, indeed, astoundingly ugly. However, it could be worse. Have you heard of The Cats’ House: http://www.thecatshouse.com/catshouse/blueprint/tv_01.htm

  24. Oct 20, 2010

    We’re lucky here, cats are just about top of the food chain, so aside from cars, nothing will hurt them. Makes up for the poisonous snakes and spiders we’re got I guess.

  25. Oct 20, 2010

    oh, HELL no.

  26. Michelle
    Oct 20, 2010

    As the owner of far too many cats, I can confidently say that without suitable ‘enrichment’ one in four will turn into a fatty. Ok, so four is my sampling size.

    Here’s to acceptable compromises!

  27. Oct 21, 2010

    Oh dear! That is FUNNAY.

    As a dirty, rotten cat lover who found a teeny, tiny, KITTEN!!!!!! on the street the other day and brought it home despite the fact that she is nearly one pet away from an intervention on animal hoarders, I feel shame.

    Because, Mr. Right-Click: I GET IT.

    I get that the kitties need enrichment, especially if they cannot be outside. I let my pussy posse outside, and never fret, they are all too lazy to engage in activities as provincial as “hunting”, other than the occasional grass hopper kill. I know that if they (all THREE and now, possibly, maybe, if my Lil’Honey says okay after I slip him some bourbon, FOUR) were all stuck inside, that they would need some giant, fug ass, feline jungle gym, junking up the boudoir.

    My solution?


    You need to move. Uproot your lives and family and move to a place without coyotes or cars.

    You’re welcome.

  28. Oct 21, 2010

    Many Romans died from lead poisoning.


  29. Oct 21, 2010

    It’s possible I’m going to die from the tackiness in such close proximity to me while sleeping.

  30. Oct 21, 2010

    I am a cat person too. But honestly I love all animals and so does my husband. I would have one of those things in my house too, if I gave in and let my husband purchase it. And that is NOT going to happen. He already talked me into a mini version of it, one that makes my eyes bleed when I look the direction of it.

    Our cats are indoor/outdoor and only use the litter box at night, and honestly it will go sometimes weeks without them using it. Thank god, I do not do well with smells. Also its’ my part of my son’s daily chores to clean the litter box. Betcha can’t wait till mini has chores.

    So I understand the dilemma, but since the cats are restricted to indoors I’m thinking it might be a good thing. Or how about a series of rafters they can walk around from the floor to the ceiling? LOL…kidding.

  31. Oct 22, 2010

    Can it double as playground equipment?

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