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12 Ineffective Methods Of Social Climbing

12 Ineffective Methods Of Social Climbing

  1. Whenever someone touches you in the course of taking a photograph — particularly somebody you like — stiffen up because the physical contact reminds your Id of all the time you spent languishing alone, listening to Wagner in the crib, and thus make sure there is a lasting photographic record that looks like you hate the person with whom you were photographed.
  2. Me Looking Semi Normal With Jenny The Bloggess

  3. At a small private party, pass out your business cards to everybody seated at a table except for one person, that person to whom you would like to stick it. Then, later, make a show of taking the person aside who invited the questionable person to the party and proceed to slap them on the wrist. Literally, if possible.
  4. Photobomb pictures left and right so as to maximize how many Flickr feeds you get tagged into, even when you have no idea who the people are taking the picture, much less who is posing in them or what their names are.
  5. Agree to interviewed by a soda company on a fake TV set on an expo floor for unknown reasons about banal topics as people from across the country walk past and wonder who you are, hoping that they assume you must be important, because otherwise why would you be interviewed on a fake TV set on an expo floor by a soda company, even if it is about banal topics?
  6. While you are talking to people, always be scanning the room for somebody more important to talk to, and when that person arrives, just leave the conversation you’re currently in to go talk to that person.
  7. Post pictures of people in your Flickr photostream with question marks where there names should be because you’re not sure who they are.
  8. In subsequent pictures in your Flickr photostream, include the names of the very same people who had question marks in previous pictures, because in these pictures their proximity to famous people makes them more recognizable.
  9. Lead more “famous” bloggers around by the hand whenever possible.
  10. Make conspicuous references to how many art exhibits you were able to visit during your 3 day stay in Manhattan, both on Twitter and in conversation.
  11. Start a conversation by saying, “I took a Klonopin,” in a deadpan voice.
  12. When you see something you don’t like on the TV in the elevator in the conference hotel on Day 1 of the conference, be incapable of restraining yourself from punching the TV in front of several other conference attendees, one of whom is getting their camera out to take a picture of the blogger who is currently on CNN.
  13. Come home and write a post that alienates all of the people you just spent all weekend schmoozing.

Got a list to share? Here’s what to do:

  1. Write a “list” post on your blog.
  2. Copy this code, and paste in the text of your post:
  3. Either comment or email me at anna at abdpbt dot com to let me know you’re participating, and I’ll link you up below.

Check out these list lovers:

  1. Kitchen Door Katy
  2. Ginger at Ramble Ramble

Comments (63)

  1. Aug 9, 2010

    See, now, I would totally pay $9.95 to get the unlock code to see who was guilty of which offense.

    Please set that up ASAP (and in the meantime I’m off to google “Klonopin”)

  2. Aug 9, 2010

    Whoa, #11.

  3. Aug 9, 2010

    What the hell is a klonopin?

  4. You look pretty happy in the photo I have of you and me. I’ll assume you are faking it.

    It was my pleasure, truly, to meet you — the pit bull of mommy blogging journalism. Or is it the ball pit of journalistic mommy blogging. Discuss.

    BTW, you had the thickest, fanciest cards of all BlogHer attendees. If you flick them, you can take off the head of a statue just like that butler could do with his hat in “Goldfinger.” And I’m sure you intended it that way.

  5. Aug 9, 2010

    I have not been to blogher, however I do try to practice all these activities in daily life, so I will have them ready for next year. But I am going for the bonus round of social climbing by getting smashed and dancing naked in a public area while shouting out a list of people I hate. Or should I save this for 12?

  6. Aug 9, 2010

    heh, #2. Heh.

  7. Kate
    Aug 9, 2010

    super secret glossary time

  8. Heather B.
    Aug 9, 2010

    I took a klonopin before every event. I even carried them around with me because you never know when you’re brain is gonna need some soothing. Also all of those people everywhere – so yes, I’ll take a klonopin and a glass of wine, please.

    Also glad I got to say hi to you however briefly.

  9. Mari
    Aug 9, 2010

    I would take the Klonopin to survive something like Blogher, but I wouldn’t feel the need to mention it.

  10. Aug 9, 2010

    I really like you a great deal. It was fun meeting you this weekend (I was the one glued to Jonna’s side, for the most part, and was toting around a baby) and now I am tearing through your archives. Smart, funny, fearless — you’re good people.

    And the Klonopin comment — snort!

    Meredith

  11. Aug 9, 2010

    Ha – I had to look it up, but totally appreciate #10. Curious if you are getting a pay per click on the google search! 🙂 Just in case, I won’t post what I found! 🙂 Genius.

  12. Aug 9, 2010

    OK, number 11 is hyperbole. It didn’t really happen. It was in my head only.

  13. Aug 9, 2010

    Anti-anxiety medicine sort of like Xanax.

  14. Aug 9, 2010

    Bear in mind that I’m guilty of many of these. Sadly.

  15. Without doubt, this will be one of the dryest, wittiest, most pointed BlogHer posts of them all. Nice! Makes me wish I’d gone. (As if I wasn’t already wishing that.)

  16. Aug 9, 2010

    I managed to pull it off in some of the pictures but there are several of me with people I really like in which I look like an idiot. And it really is upsetting because now those people will think I don’t like them forever.

    And yes, I did design my business cards to double as throwing stars in the event I need to get out of a tight spot.

  17. Aug 9, 2010

    You know, it’s very possible somebody did this later on in the evening at Sparklecorn. I left early.

  18. Aug 9, 2010

    I know, unfortunately not all of these are my stories to tell so I’m a little hesitant to publish names and places. In these kinds of things, I’m always thinking people would rather hear the blind items than not hear anything at all. Maybe I’m wrong on this though.

  19. Aug 9, 2010

    That’s why I stay home. I suck at stuff like this.

  20. Aug 9, 2010

    Yes, it was nice to meet you as well, and though you might have taken a Klonopin, I don’t remember you mentioning it. So, see, subtle difference there.

  21. Aug 9, 2010

    Yes! That is all the difference.

  22. Aug 9, 2010

    I like you as well, and your little baby as well (to be said in the Wicked Witch voice). I remember, of course. It was nice to meet people in person and be able to laugh about these things actually out loud, instead of just in my head for once.

  23. Aug 9, 2010

    No, that was just the direct quote, so I thought I would have to leave it unaltered.

  24. Aug 9, 2010

    I’m curious to see what comes out of BlogHer this year, because it was very different from last year. It was . . . peculiar. Very big. A different animal. So I’ll be watching to see with everyone else.

  25. Aug 9, 2010

    *stands to give you the slow clap*

    Bravo! This was awesome! I’m so glad I got to meet you this weekend!

  26. Aug 9, 2010

    No, blind items are better than nothing. But nothing beats behind-the-scenes mockery by name. And not even the nice girls of the internet would disagree with me…at least in private. Sorry.

  27. This is going to be one of my favorite recap posts, I can already tell.

    How is it that I witnessed several of the same things, yet we never met?

  28. Aug 9, 2010

    I was happy to meet you, too! I’m sure there’s an awkward photo of us floating around out there somewhere as well.

  29. Aug 9, 2010

    I had one mission in going to this event. Be seen talking to you as many times as possible.

  30. Aug 9, 2010

    And how are the frosty arctic winds of exile treating you now, sir?

  31. Aug 9, 2010

    Perhaps we met some of the same people, or the behavior is far more prevalent than we realized. Or both. Either way, disturbing.

  32. Aug 9, 2010

    Bwhaaaahaaaaahaaaaa.
    Oh yeah?
    Well look what I did while you were gone!
    VIva HomeHer10!
    http://marcywrites.com/2010/08/homeher10-worth-every-penny-to-attend/

  33. Michele
    Aug 9, 2010

    I love this recap, though I’m with the party who like the meatier REAL insider info. I will have to find a way to ship you cupcakes this time to get it I see.

  34. Aug 9, 2010

    I love this list. I was super bummed to know I would be missing meeting you this year by not coming to NYC. You will be in San Diego next year, yes? (Say yes.)

  35. Laurie
    Aug 9, 2010

    Oooh! Lawyerish and ABDPBT! (I love seeing 2 of my favorites connect…I mean, it’s not like when Jim and Pam finally made that dinner date, but almost.)

  36. Aug 9, 2010

    I thought the question marks were hyperbole too because, no, no one would really do that. And then…

  37. Aug 9, 2010

    I can’t decide if I am relieved or disappointed.

  38. Aug 9, 2010

    I have to say I rather enjoyed the whole #HomeHer thing you guys had going this weekend. It was inspired.

  39. Aug 9, 2010

    Ixnay on the UpcakesCay. If I am even thinking about TV I have to lose like 30 pounds, Michele.

  40. Aug 9, 2010

    Oh yes! I am thrilled it’s in San Diego because I can go without a miserable plane ride for once. I’m wondering if that will make it smaller next year, but even so I will definitely go. I can get there in a few hours!

  41. Aug 9, 2010

    And yet, no. It was true. Sadly, and against reason.

  42. Aug 9, 2010

    Maybe the guilty parties won’t be able to resist self identifying — here’s hoping!

  43. Aug 9, 2010

    Agreed.

  44. Aug 9, 2010

    not sure what it says about me that this list made me sorry i backed out of BH’10. especially knowing there’s no way i’m going to make it to ’11 all the way out in CA. can’t florida get some love already?

  45. Aug 9, 2010

    Unless you’ve got “Be a door person at one of the hippest BlogHer parties with some of the biggest name bloggers as invites, and then offend as many as possible by a) not recognizing them, b) not really knowing who they are, or c) not letting them in” under your belt, I have to say that you are merely a novice at screwing up all your golden opportunities to social climb.

    Oh! Bonus points if one of the people you don’t recognize and give a hard time is one of the BlogHer founders.

    I’m still pulling my foot out of my mouth on that one. 😉

    But you look lovely and you are quite a big name in the blogosphere, so if anyone deserves to sit on a fake TV set and have their opinions scanned, it’s you, my dear. I hope you had a great time, nonetheless, and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it this year to make it all up to you with cold, hard, alcohol. 🙂

  46. Aug 9, 2010
  47. Aug 9, 2010

    I don’t think they read me. I KNOW they don’t admit to it. I don’t think they even admit to knowing who I am.

  48. Aug 9, 2010

    Well, you know, the best part about BlogHer is always in the recaps. The photos and the recaps, this is true every year. There’s something about going, sure, but the recaps make it sound a lot more exciting than the reality.

  49. Aug 9, 2010

    Bah! Nobody even remembers last year’s Sparklecorn. They’re already planning the one in San Diego at this point. And this year, oddly enough, I had no problem getting in. Hmmm.

  50. Aug 9, 2010

    Linked up!

  51. Aug 9, 2010

    That set is hysterical. But not as funny as the Klonopin comment.

    My list is up: http://bit.ly/9ZJaTJ

  52. Aug 9, 2010

    PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!

  53. Aug 9, 2010

    I was thinking about posting my VIP invite.

  54. Aug 9, 2010

    Yes, the PepsiCo products as backdrop are pretty awesome.

  55. Aug 9, 2010

    OH NO THEY DI’INT!

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!

  56. Aug 9, 2010

    Oh yes they did. I’ve been keeping that one in my back pocket for about six months now. I still don’t understand it. When I got the email, I thought somebody was fucking with me and was checking the headers on the email to see if it had been forwarded by someone or something.

  57. Aug 9, 2010

    I cannot believe that YOU were not only invited tot he super special glitter, orgy! Holy unicorn balls! Did you challenge Mayopie to a dance off? You should wash real good behind your ears…. Unicorn sperm and all that.

  58. Aug 9, 2010

    well sure, but THIS recap wasn’t exactly glitz glam and swag.

  59. Aug 9, 2010

    I will own up to being the questionable person at the private party in #2. Yep. That happened to me. YES IT DID. IT REALLY DID. I am questionable, it turns out! People are afraid of me at parties!

    Oh Anna. I like you more now than I did YESTERDAY and it sounds like a SONG.

    Also, I am feeling woefully guilty, because I think I took those two pictures with The Bloggess and I should have been coaching you more!

  60. Aug 9, 2010

    If you’re the questionable party…but wait. How is that possible? How can you possibly be a questionable party?

    Unless this was the Dooce Suck-It party (sponsored by Verizon)

  61. Aug 10, 2010

    Yes, Jonna is questionable, and bringing her to a party warrants slapping somebody on the wrist. That behavior really is just the most disgusting I have heard of and I really wish I had witnessed it myself because then I would just say who it was and out everyone involved, let the chips fall where they may, and let everyone know who the douchebag was who did it. Because it was just done for the benefit of somebody who is powerful and who wasn’t even at this conference! UGGGH. STUPID.

    Jonna, I had a great time with you at the conference, and was thrilled to find out that you are as delightful in person as you are on the interwebs, if not more.

  62. Aug 10, 2010

    I’m dying to know. DYING.

  63. Aug 10, 2010

    I really — really and truly — think the VIP invite was a well-intentioned peace offering on behalf of the MamaPoppers, and not an act of douchery.

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