12 Ineffective Methods Of Social Climbing
- Whenever someone touches you in the course of taking a photograph — particularly somebody you like — stiffen up because the physical contact reminds your Id of all the time you spent languishing alone, listening to Wagner in the crib, and thus make sure there is a lasting photographic record that looks like you hate the person with whom you were photographed.
- At a small private party, pass out your business cards to everybody seated at a table except for one person, that person to whom you would like to stick it. Then, later, make a show of taking the person aside who invited the questionable person to the party and proceed to slap them on the wrist. Literally, if possible.
- Photobomb pictures left and right so as to maximize how many Flickr feeds you get tagged into, even when you have no idea who the people are taking the picture, much less who is posing in them or what their names are.
- Agree to interviewed by a soda company on a fake TV set on an expo floor for unknown reasons about banal topics as people from across the country walk past and wonder who you are, hoping that they assume you must be important, because otherwise why would you be interviewed on a fake TV set on an expo floor by a soda company, even if it is about banal topics?
- While you are talking to people, always be scanning the room for somebody more important to talk to, and when that person arrives, just leave the conversation you’re currently in to go talk to that person.
- Post pictures of people in your Flickr photostream with question marks where there names should be because you’re not sure who they are.
- In subsequent pictures in your Flickr photostream, include the names of the very same people who had question marks in previous pictures, because in these pictures their proximity to famous people makes them more recognizable.
- Lead more “famous” bloggers around by the hand whenever possible.
- Make conspicuous references to how many art exhibits you were able to visit during your 3 day stay in Manhattan, both on Twitter and in conversation.
- Start a conversation by saying, “I took a Klonopin,” in a deadpan voice.
- When you see something you don’t like on the TV in the elevator in the conference hotel on Day 1 of the conference, be incapable of restraining yourself from punching the TV in front of several other conference attendees, one of whom is getting their camera out to take a picture of the blogger who is currently on CNN.
- Come home and write a post that alienates all of the people you just spent all weekend schmoozing.
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