16 Reasons That June Of 2010 Will Someday Be Declared The Most Annoyingly Lame Month Ever
- The World Cup continues its endless tournament, despite my steadfast refusal to watch it.
- Burger King has decided to sign off on a promotional campaign with the Eclipse chapter of the Twilight franchise for their kids meals — meaning that the “toy” given out to my 3-year-old was a plastic version of Edward’s black emo metrosexual vampire bracelet, even though Eclipse is not even recommended for kids under the age of 13, even if I were crazy enough to want to take my child to see it.
- I hesitated to write item 2 above, knowing the gasps that were likely to escape around the blogosphere when people realize that I’ve taken my toddler to Burger King as recently as this month, let alone ever, and now have admitted it publicly, for shame.
- Apple releases another iPhone that is bigger and uglier than the previous versions, but claims that it is thinner and lighter. Against all reason and their own powers of observation, everyone appears to accept this explanation, presumably because it came from Steve Jobs.
- The Sandinistas put an Argentinian flag the size of, well, almost as big as Argentina itself, on the outside of their house, presumably for the duration of the World Cup. Which, as far as I can tell, is for fucking ever.
- People report that the antenna on the bigger and uglier (yet still somehow smaller and thinner) iPhone stops working sometimes. Unworried, Apple says this is not true.
- Gizmodo and like, every other tech blog on the planet argues with them, even going so far as to submit videos documenting the problem with antennas being shorted out because of poor design. So then Apple admits, “Sure, it happens if you hold the phone the wrong way.” So then multitudes of people set about trying to hold the phone the right way.
- Meanwhile, as if all this Apple-related nonsense isn’t enough, the World Cup absurdity rages on, as if a confederacy of dunces has decided to pretend like soccer isn’t the most frustratingly annoying and boring game ever to have been invented other than baseball.
- Engadget then goes about compiling all of the various times in Apple ads in which people hold the new iPhone the “wrong” way. Meanwhile, Apple continues to sell out of new iPhones, and users find new ways of fixing the “problem” that Apple does not really acknowledge as a problem through placing tape over the antenna or covering it with nail polish.
- The United States loses to Ghana in the World Cup, and people actually pretend like they give a shit about this.
- You Tube installs a vuvuzela button on their video player, as if to say, “If you do not know what a vuvuzela is, then clearly you have no place in the popular culture gestalt of June of 2010.”
- I continue to wait, patiently, for the day that the vuvuzela button gets removed from the You Tube player, considering it a victory of sorts — or a signal that our time in this purgatory of early summer cultural wasteland is nearing an end.
- Nobody stands up and says, “Do not buy the new iPhone! Its antenna sucks, and they still haven’t fixed the AT&T problem. And, what’s more, WHAT ABOUT FLASH?”
- Not only that, people continue to act like the iPad is something great, rather than something to be ridiculed as just a giant version of the iTouch that is named after feminine hygiene products.
- Basketball season is still so far . . . so very very far away from starting. Couldn’t be farther, almost, from starting.
- I will need a new laptop soon, and I know damn well that I’ll get another Mac. And knowing this kills me just a little inside.
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