Your Wife Or Longtime Girlfriend Just Won The Best Actress Oscar! Now What?
- Sob from your front-row seat at the Kodak Theater, thereby underscoring your love for your far more successful spouse.
- Admit candidly to the Access Hollywood camera that yes, this might just be the most beautiful she has ever looked, right here tonight.
- Protest early and often what a treat it is to be involved with someone consistently outshines you in your chosen field.
- Joke publicly about how she makes more money per movie than you do, as if to demonstrate how little you care about the trappings of success.
- Find and retain a well-known, high-priced divorce attorney.
- While in the process of #1, strategically meet with all of the best attorneys in town so that they cannot be retained later by your wife.
- Continue to provide Apu’s voice on The Simpsons — at least that gig isn’t going anywhere.
- Comfort yourself by reflecting that at least now there’s only one more talented and successful person than you in the Lowe family.
- Fire up Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, and — why not? — Craigslist: this marriage is already toast.
- Schedule an intimate dinner with your less attractive and far less successful costar of Stop-Loss.
- Agree to star with Halle Berry in Cat Woman.
- Commit adultery; attempt to spin it as an example of your effort to save your marriage.
- Insist that you and Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, and/or Kristen Cavallari are “just friends.”
- Erase entry in calendar for the scheduled return appearance on this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.
- Reflect for a moment on the character of Donald Trump; pencil back in scheduled return appearance on this season’s Celebrity Apprentice.
- Begin outreach to your original fan base by being linked to a stripper with a tattooed forehead ephemeral links to Neo-Nazism.
- Wait until everybody is distracted with the divorce of this year’s Best Actress winner to announce your divorce from 2009’s winner.
- Jump on Oprah’s couch because you’re so happy you listened to the studio lawyer who told you to leave before it happened!
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