Lesser-Known Stipulations Of The Brangelina Dissolution Of Non-Marriage
- The commonly expression BRANGELINA shall heretofore cease to exist as a legally usable moniker, except where it is licensed to do so with express written permission from the PARTIES, who shall hereafter be known as BRAN and GELINA, two separate and distinct legal entities.
- Any real person known to be still using the moniker BRANGELINA without express written permission shall be unceremoniously uninvited to any and all present or future staged pictorial opportunities of the NEW MODERN FAMILY as they see fit to define it, publicly and off the cuff, by the parties BRAN and GELINA, and their PROGENY.
- From this date going forward, all of BRAN’s adoptive prospects shall be confined to the northern hemisphere; GELINA’s adoptive prospects shall heretofore be taken exclusively from the southern hemisphere.
- The PARTIES shall share joint custody of both the PROGENY and the NEW MODERN FAMILY as they see fit to define it, publicly and off the cuff; however, the PROGENY shall reside full time with GELINA.
- BRAN shall retain sole physical and legal custody of Messrs. CLOONEY, DAMON, and SODERBERGH, along with all associated ENTOURAGE MEMBERS, HANGERS-ON, and the OCEANS ELEVENTY BILLION FRANCHISE.
- In the event of a pairing of Mr. CLOONEY with GELINA in a movie, both PARTIES hereby acknowledge that all bets are off, for both the PROGENY and the integrity of the NEW MODERN FAMILY, ENTOURAGE MEMBERS, HANGERS-ON, and the OCEANS ELEVENTY BILLION FRANCHISE.
- GELINA hereby agrees to support BRAN in all current and future attempts at winning the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE DESIGNATION.
- In exchange, BRAN agrees never to force GELINA to live in New Orleans ever, ever again.
- All sundry vials of blood shall be returned to their rightful bodily owners.
- Both of the PARTIES have agreed to continue to shun JON VOIGHT indefinitely, since they agree he is pretty much BAT ASS CRAZY.
- THE ADORING PUBLIC agrees to continue to support the PUBLICITY CHARADE that the non-marriage now being legally dissolved was started under completely legitimate and non-morally reprehensible circumstances; furthermore, THE ADORING PUBLIC asserts that GELINA is not a homewrecker, and BRAN is not a philanderer.
- Similarly, THE ADORING PUBLIC agrees to continue to support THE BAT ASS CRAZY IDEA that six is too many kids to be under the guidance of two OVERSEXED AND AGING ADOLESCENTS, however breathtakingly beautiful they both might be.
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