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23 Reasons You Can Suck It, Jay Leno

23 Reasons You Can Suck It, Jay Leno

I'm with Coco

  1. You’re not funny.
  2. You’ve never been funny.
  3. You’ve only been on TV this long because you weaseled the job away from Dave after Johnny Carson, and had a time slot hit after the eleven o’clock news.
  4. Generation X does not watch the eleven o’clock news.
  5. Generation Y does not even know that news on TV is an option.
  6. Baby Boomers are too old to stay up past ten.
  7. You only got this job in the first place because you’re a whiner.
  8. You only won the time slot because Hugh Grant decided to talk about being blown by hookers on your show before Dave’s.
  9. As a policy, people who make a career of pandering to mediocrity should be unceremoniously shot.
  10. When somebody tells you to quit, you should just effing quit and not be such a damn drama queen.
  11. Not only did you ruin Conan’s gig, you also ruined the 10 o’clock NBC drama hour.
  12. Who will cry for Southland? Not Jay Leno!
  13. Not only did you make a crappy show, but you gave people no good reason to stay up to see Conan.
  14. You weren’t even good in those stupid Dorito ads in the 80s. And I love Doritos!
  15. Your chin is distractingly HUGE.
  16. No woman with a chin that size would ever be allowed to be on TV, much less as a late night TV host.
  17. Why are you contributing to the subjugation of women, Jay Leno?
  18. Conan is a Harvard graduate. Magna cum laude.
  19. HARVARD!
  20. We all know you haven’t spent any of the Tonight Show money. Thus, NBC is not only paying somebody who is not funny to be on TV, but is also paying an unfunny person who is already richer than the network to be on TV.
  21. You don’t reward somebody for having abysmal reviews when moved to a new time slot. You fire them.
  22. Seriously. I’ve already been through this with you once, Jay Leno. Get lost.
  23. And don’t make me come over there.

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Comments (28)

  1. Jan 18, 2010

    We both did Leno lists. Great minds …

  2. Jan 18, 2010

    Absolutley! I can’t believe the manipulations and gyrations over all this. Does Leno like the work so much that he can’t walk away? He’s got hobbies, and plenty of cash to support them, so go do it! If it’s all about being in the public eye, this is a terrible way to go about it. No different than Brittany shaving her head.
    I’ve got a little list…

  3. Anna I could kiss you over this list, which would be weird given I’ve never *actually* met you. But still, I totally could & I don’t even dislike Leno but really it’s enough already. And oh yes on #4-#6. I apologize Baby Boomers but it’s time to move over. As a child of a Baby Boomer, it’s my time. It’s my time to love Conan.

  4. Jan 18, 2010

    I know! You’ll never believe I had this done on Friday, and didn’t just rip you off.

  5. Jan 18, 2010

    He’s a whiny ass. I mean, to be fair, it’s NBC being a bunch of idiots that have caused the problem in the first place, but these situations call for someone to be the grown up one and walk away. I really liked what Jimmy Kimmel said about it, that they have families, and lives to support, he should just walk away.

  6. Jan 18, 2010

    Beth, I don’t even really watch Conan, but if I had to choose I would absolutely choose Conan over Jay. I’m still bitter about Dave, back in the day when I used to actually watch late night TV. And Conan is, objectively, way funnier!

  7. Jana
    Jan 18, 2010

    Awesome list!!

  8. Jan 18, 2010

    The whole thing just really makes Leno look bad. He comes off like a spoiled brat who knows he can get what he wants, even though he doesn’t really need it.
    Although NBC as a brand is definitely the clear loser in this whole thing. Everyone is taking shots at them, including their own talent. And the Golden Globes last night were part awards ceremony, part public lynching of NBC.
    Plus, Conan is awesome, so boo to Leno.

    Oh, and my list is up.

  9. Jan 18, 2010

    You’re right. I won’t.

  10. Jan 18, 2010

    But I swear! I’ll send you my WordPress draft log!

  11. Jan 18, 2010

    I’m a baby boomer and I hate Leno. There I’ve said it out loud. He should man up and take a powder. He is not funny now. He wasn’t funny 10 years ago. Or in the 80s. You are right though. I can’t stay up too much past 10pm. I just set the DVR so I can watch Conan at a decent hour.

  12. Jan 18, 2010

    I love it! I’m going to be sad when NBC puts the gag on Conan….I’m loving his commentary! Go Team Co Co!

  13. Heather
    Jan 18, 2010

    Awesome. The only one I’d take issue with is #2. He *was* funny once… unfortunately that was back in the 80s when he made appearances as a stand-up comedian on Letterman’s program. He has no class. Hopefully FOX will make Conan an offer.

  14. Jan 19, 2010

    And what about those two blowhards Dick Ebersole and Jeff Zucker? All whiny because they’ve been rendered irrelevant. “Whaaa! Why doesn’t anyone like Leno? He’s so gray and crazy-cool because he’s a boomer just like us! Who doesn’t love all his motorcycles and other symbols of our tragically hip generation?! That O’Brien guy used to write for ‘The Simpsons,’ and like *that* show has influenced TV comedy at all. As if!”

  15. Jan 19, 2010

    AMEN! Seriously, the guy is NOT FUNNY and never has been funny. Why do people insist on encouraging him? Lets not encourage the non-funny just because they’ve been being not funny for so damn long. He can’t even deliver jokes other people write for him. I include Regis Philbin in this category as well. Not funny, never has been funny, never will be funny.

  16. Jan 19, 2010

    Thanks, Jana.

  17. Jan 19, 2010

    Totally. I get, intellectually, that this is really Zuckerberg or whatever his name is at NBC’s fault, but Jay Leno should have looked at it like an opportunity to look like a hero, like here I am stepping aside for the new talent. But no. Instead, he chooses the weasely way. AGAIN.

  18. Jan 19, 2010

    Clearly you are hipper than the average Boomer, Michele. Also, I think you only have to have been born in 64 to be a boomer, which means that Mr. Right- Click is ALMOST boomer, which means so am I. So really I should just shut it about generations before I get myself into more trouble.

  19. Jan 19, 2010

    Yeah, it will suck. I think what Conan should do is go to Comedy Central and be the next in the Daily Show/Colbert Report lineup. He’d be great over there, and end up with more “influence” than any of the network shows have anyway.

  20. Jan 19, 2010

    Heather, Mr. Right-Click said the same thing, that I haven’t watched enough of him to get how he’s actually funny. But I have seen him on enough clips, etc., it’s just not my cup of tea. But I do think that I dislike him personally and so that probably makes it worse.

  21. Jan 19, 2010

    Yeah, and they keep getting promoted for making bad decisions. I was reading something somewhere — the Awl, maybe? — about how studio execs are the same as investment bankers because they make gut call gambles with tons of money based on historical performance that may or may not work out in reality, and then get promoted when they succeed, and say that the market is unpredictable when they fail. This is true of TV execs, too.

  22. Jan 19, 2010

    Jenni, exactly, it’s like he’s been on TV so long now that people are like, “well, he must have been funny at some point, and I just don’t get it.” No! No, people! He’s never been funny, and also the emperor has no clothes.

  23. Jan 19, 2010

    Not only is his chin distractingly huge, it is bigger than his distractingly huge head! I keep wondering how they keep his head on during the show. You know it must really be a balloon, and there is a string somewhere!! 🙂

  24. Heather
    Jan 20, 2010

    Well, it’s kinda hard to respect a man who literally hid himself in a broom closet to spy on an executive meeting regarding whether they’d have him or Dave Letterman for The Tonight Show. It will be interesting to see if the late night audience forgives him once he’s reinstalled in the 11:30 time slot.

  25. Jan 20, 2010

    I agree. I love Conan; he got robbed!

  26. Jan 20, 2010

    Did he actually do that? I know they showed a scene in that movie made called The Late Shift where he’s doing that, but I always wondered if he actually did. It’s pretty sad if he did, I have to say.

  27. Jan 20, 2010

    They say a lot of actors have larger heads than average, both literally and figuratively, believe it or not. 🙂

  28. Jan 20, 2010

    Let’s hope he comes out on top.

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