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The DEC-11 Virus; Or, It’s Christmastime! in Los Angeles

The DEC-11 Virus; Or, It’s Christmastime! in Los Angeles

It was about a year ago that I wrote a post about being overwhelmed by the sundry first-world problems that come along with the holiday season. If I’m not mistaken, I was in the very same mood that day as I am in today: on both days, I went Christmas shopping, which is just generally a depressing endeavor. Not that I mind giving gifts — I rather enjoy it, in fact — it’s more the volume of it all, so many gifts at once, so many different people to think of, so much goddamn wrapping paper.

I know, you’re thinking, “That’s not Christmas wrapping paper!” But yes, yes, it is. Because in the words of the immortal Damon Wayans, homey don’t play that red and green shit.

As a result, our house kind of looks like a scene from A Very Bradshaw Christmas, but I don’t care. I will have my presents color-coordinated.

Except, of course, for the presents that are for me. Those don’t match. I would be annoyed by this, but here’s my present:

And since that can only be one thing, I am not going to complain.

Henceforth, we shall refer to this annual malaise as the DEC-11 virus, and rather than subjecting you to yet another post in which I complain about all of the things in my life that are — let’s face it — blessings, I shall just post a sign in the manner of the old “gone fishin'” signs of Americana lore that says, “Quarantine: I’ve come down with a nasty case of DEC-11!”

Because let’s face it, even if I get cranky this time every year, things could definitely, positively be worse.

You might not believe that I did not stage that picture, but I swear that it is authentic. My favorite part is that the building has space for rent, if you’re interested. Another thing I thought I’d direct your attention to, is how in Los Angeles we have to spice things up a bit to remember that it’s Christmastime, given that we don’t have snow or even cold weather to remind us.

Because nothing says Christmas like a bunch of supermarket poinsettia plants arranged on a traffic island. Oh, well — OK, maybe a white Mercedes with antlers and a red nose delivers the “It’s Christmastime in LA!” message a little more poignantly.

I’m just saying: we as a society are better than this, are we not? Are we not better than reindeer antlers on Mercedes station wagons?

Comments (4)

  1. Dec 11, 2009

    So you don’t get holiday-depressed until the middle of December?

    Because I start two weeks before Halloween. I shift into second gear around the second week in November, and into third about three days before Thanksgiving. By now I’m full-on.

    When I am queen, there will be clinic you can go to where they put you under anesthetic for the whole thing, and you wake up on the second of January.

    On the upside, we have snow, and therefore no need for reindeer antlers on our vehicles. So that’s something.

    I love the wrapping paper, but I’m a little irritated that you have the energy to put bows on stuff.

  2. Dec 11, 2009

    I love the holiday season, and even I want to smash in that car’s headlights.

  3. Dec 11, 2009

    I’m guessing that the fact that you start getting real weather before Halloween helps it kick in quicker. This is the first week we’ve had anything like winter weather here — it rained. And then it was super sunny yesterday. Today it’s sprinkling. But we had like 90 degree weather on Thanksgiving. So it takes a while for the weather to get to you, and when it finally does, you go, “FUCK. Christmas is in two weeks and I’m not even close to ready yet!”

  4. Dec 11, 2009

    @Jenni, I just wonder what somebody’s goal is when they do something like this. I mean, do they think that we’re all going to be so impressed by their wit an innovation? Why do these people not feel like complete assholes driving around like that? And better yet, how about driving around a different neighborhood with that shit on your car? Get back to me when you’ve delved into Crenshaw or even just certain parts of Hollywood with the reindeer antlers!

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