The DEC-11 Virus; Or, It’s Christmastime! in Los Angeles
It was about a year ago that I wrote a post about being overwhelmed by the sundry first-world problems that come along with the holiday season. If I’m not mistaken, I was in the very same mood that day as I am in today: on both days, I went Christmas shopping, which is just generally a depressing endeavor. Not that I mind giving gifts — I rather enjoy it, in fact — it’s more the volume of it all, so many gifts at once, so many different people to think of, so much goddamn wrapping paper.
I know, you’re thinking, “That’s not Christmas wrapping paper!” But yes, yes, it is. Because in the words of the immortal Damon Wayans, homey don’t play that red and green shit.
As a result, our house kind of looks like a scene from A Very Bradshaw Christmas, but I don’t care. I will have my presents color-coordinated.
Except, of course, for the presents that are for me. Those don’t match. I would be annoyed by this, but here’s my present:
And since that can only be one thing, I am not going to complain.
Henceforth, we shall refer to this annual malaise as the DEC-11 virus, and rather than subjecting you to yet another post in which I complain about all of the things in my life that are — let’s face it — blessings, I shall just post a sign in the manner of the old “gone fishin'” signs of Americana lore that says, “Quarantine: I’ve come down with a nasty case of DEC-11!”
Because let’s face it, even if I get cranky this time every year, things could definitely, positively be worse.
You might not believe that I did not stage that picture, but I swear that it is authentic. My favorite part is that the building has space for rent, if you’re interested. Another thing I thought I’d direct your attention to, is how in Los Angeles we have to spice things up a bit to remember that it’s Christmastime, given that we don’t have snow or even cold weather to remind us.
Because nothing says Christmas like a bunch of supermarket poinsettia plants arranged on a traffic island. Oh, well — OK, maybe a white Mercedes with antlers and a red nose delivers the “It’s Christmastime in LA!” message a little more poignantly.
I’m just saying: we as a society are better than this, are we not? Are we not better than reindeer antlers on Mercedes station wagons?