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Yet Another Piece of Evidence I Did Not Need That The Green Movement Is Fucking Gross And Overly Obsessed With Excrement

Yet Another Piece of Evidence I Did Not Need That The Green Movement Is Fucking Gross And Overly Obsessed With Excrement

People, we have a saying out here — if the disposable diaper ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

But you crunchy granolas are always fiddling with things. You can’t just leave well enough alone, can you? This is the only explanation I can find for The Diaper Free Baby, aka Elimination Communication, a third option in the age-old cloth diaper versus dispasable diapers debate — WAIT, hold the fuck up, didn’t we pretty much settle this one already? Aren’t disposable diapers, regardless of their environmental impact, eleventy billion times preferrable to cloth ones? Aren’t we willing to have the diaper be one of those times where we use a resource and throw it away? Is there somebody left in the world who doesn’t agree with this? Has this person been evaluated by a psychiatrist recently? What was I talking about?

Oh yes, I was talking about Elimination Communication, a new movement that allows you to skip diapers altogether! by tapping into a mother’s natural instinct to hold her child over an excrement receptacle when elimination is imminent! Apparently, this is something we know how to do instinctively, probably because of the fact that we don’t like to be pissed on! Huzzah!

Oh yes: Elimination Communication promises to foster a very special, very poop-centered and mostly one-sided conversation with your preverbal children about when and why they need to take a leak. You see, it’s all about communication, and it turns out that pressuring your three-month-old to be done with diapers already! not only allows you to save time, money, and the environment, but also allows you to get back all of those mornings you wasted not having to change crib sheets that are soaked in urine!

The magic of the diaper free baby began when Ingrid Bauer, Elimination Communication’s guru, visited India and noticed that mothers were carrying around diaperless babies “fearlessly and with what seemed liked virtually no ‘accidents.'” Now, personally, I go for no accidents, sans qualifiers and scare quotes, with my child’s excrement concerns, but I’m sure that this is just my First World bias betraying itself again here. If I would only learn to hold Mini “over an appropriate receptacle when that need should arise,” then I would be able to live in harmony with the threat of urine being leaked all over me all day Awesome! What a totally revolutionary and totally worth it way of helping the environment. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy Ingrid Bauer’s book, Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene. I’ll be needing something to protect my lap while I’m on this new poop crusade.

Comments (9)

  1. Dec 4, 2009

    I love this because it’s an excellent way to keep women from working. You can’t work if your job is to watch your kid for poop. You can’t do any other selfish things either, like shower, watch grown-up TV, talk to other adults on the internet. It’s really the perfect way to keep moms focused on their real purpose in life: living entirely for their children.

  2. Dec 4, 2009

    Actually, Elimination Communication isn’t a “new” movement – it’s just a new name for something non-Western countries do all over. When you think about it, forcing our children to wear their own excrement plastered to their bodies is pretty gross, too.

    Not that I don’t. I tried cloth diapering and yes, I decided that the disposable diaper is a necessary evil. I heard about EC too late to try with my kid, and I’ve no idea how you would even attempt to pay that much attention to a newborn when you already have a toddler running around. But it does seem like it’s basically just up-front effort to save you thousands of diaper changes in the long run. EC kids are putting themselves on the potty reliably by the age of 1.

  3. Dec 4, 2009

    Tink was champion EC’er until I trained her to be a lazy, entitled Western poop-sitter-inner. The children in orphanages in China don’t wear diapers. (Yes, that’s right. I repeat: “The children …”) I had heard this and read this and knew that they held the kids over potties (or the sink, or whatever was handy) but I didn’t fully realize it until we undressed her for the first time and saw her disposable diaper had been taped in an asymmetrical way (like it was the caregiver’s inaugural attempt at diapering) and then wrapped up in BUNGEE CORD. (‘Cause that’s how the American imperialists like it?) The real clue was on Day 4, when she hadn’t pooped yet and after exhausting every option (including some strange instant “baby tea” I put in a bottle that still makes me shudder when I think about it; what was I thinking?), we held her over the toilet, wherein she made a deposit. Those four days must have knocked her off her stride, because she only repeated the trick once more, instead preferring the wait-around-till-someone-smells-it method of her adopted homeland.

  4. Dec 4, 2009

    Eh, I consider this to be a cultural thing. If you are part of a culture that encourages walking around with a kid strapped on 24-7, then it makes sense. I’m sure it’s easy to learn to interpret signals and know when they need to go. In our culture, it seems impossible, fiddly, and, yes, an excellent way to make sure the mother has nothing better to do all day than wait around for her kid to piss.

    I’m trying hard to ignore your cloth diaper rant, as it was amusing. But, yes, there are some of us who believe occasionally washing a poopy diaper is a better option than wrapping up our children’s feces in plastic and burying them in a landfill to be found by our great-great-great-grandchildren. We’re wacky that way.

    (Have you considered therapy to deal with your poop love/aversion? You seem to be getting a bit obsessive. Trust me, there are lots of fun things in the green movement to make fun of that have nothing to with poop.)

  5. Dec 4, 2009

    Yes! I have nothing else to do than to watch him to see if he needs to pee! Even if you’re wearing your baby all the time, like I was in those early days, sometimes the dude pees while he is asleep! What then?

  6. Dec 4, 2009

    Point taken: there is really no solution to this that is completely full of grossness. But overall, I already felt like holy crap my subjectivity as an individual has been violated those first few months with a newborn. This would add a whole other dimension to it. I would rather deal with the diapers for longer than have to always be worried about getting peed on. I wonder if you asked the Third World mothers, presented them with these options, what they would say.

  7. Dec 4, 2009

    Bungee cord?! Bungee cord?! WOW.

    This seems like indisputable evidence that the child prefers the diaper to the constantly being paraded around naked and being held over receptacles method. I’m just saying — case study.

  8. Dec 4, 2009

    Dude, Mini WAS strapped to me 24/7, and I still don’t see this being an ideal way of handling things. I think people do it in the Third World because they don’t have a choice.

    And touché on the poop issue. But the fact is that the most egregious things that stick out to me about Green tend to have to do with excrement or dead bodies. Because what the what?! Also, poop is a big part of my life, my son is 2 1/2.

  9. Mar 26, 2010

    Yuck. Nothing further to add here.

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