Yet Another Piece of Evidence I Did Not Need That The Green Movement Is Fucking Gross And Overly Obsessed With Excrement
People, we have a saying out here — if the disposable diaper ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
But you crunchy granolas are always fiddling with things. You can’t just leave well enough alone, can you? This is the only explanation I can find for The Diaper Free Baby, aka Elimination Communication, a third option in the age-old cloth diaper versus dispasable diapers debate — WAIT, hold the fuck up, didn’t we pretty much settle this one already? Aren’t disposable diapers, regardless of their environmental impact, eleventy billion times preferrable to cloth ones? Aren’t we willing to have the diaper be one of those times where we use a resource and throw it away? Is there somebody left in the world who doesn’t agree with this? Has this person been evaluated by a psychiatrist recently? What was I talking about?
Oh yes, I was talking about Elimination Communication, a new movement that allows you to skip diapers altogether! by tapping into a mother’s natural instinct to hold her child over an excrement receptacle when elimination is imminent! Apparently, this is something we know how to do instinctively, probably because of the fact that we don’t like to be pissed on! Huzzah!
Oh yes: Elimination Communication promises to foster a very special, very poop-centered and mostly one-sided conversation with your preverbal children about when and why they need to take a leak. You see, it’s all about communication, and it turns out that pressuring your three-month-old to be done with diapers already! not only allows you to save time, money, and the environment, but also allows you to get back all of those mornings you wasted not having to change crib sheets that are soaked in urine!
The magic of the diaper free baby began when Ingrid Bauer, Elimination Communication’s guru, visited India and noticed that mothers were carrying around diaperless babies “fearlessly and with what seemed liked virtually no ‘accidents.'” Now, personally, I go for no accidents, sans qualifiers and scare quotes, with my child’s excrement concerns, but I’m sure that this is just my First World bias betraying itself again here. If I would only learn to hold Mini “over an appropriate receptacle when that need should arise,” then I would be able to live in harmony with the threat of urine being leaked all over me all day Awesome! What a totally revolutionary and totally worth it way of helping the environment. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy Ingrid Bauer’s book, Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene. I’ll be needing something to protect my lap while I’m on this new poop crusade.