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Please, Lady Gaga, Call Off Your Goons

Please, Lady Gaga, Call Off Your Goons

Ms. Lady Gaga
132 Marketer’s Dream Way
Gay Cult Icon, CA OU812
Planet Whackadoodle

. . . . . . . . . . . . ……………………..Reference: The Shatner Rule

Ms. Gaga:

First, let me be clear that I come in peace. In order to demonstrate this to you in a language I know you can understand, I have adopted your planet’s preferred method of face adornment.

Now, to get down to business: you are no doubt aware that I wrote a post about you a few weeks back discussing your penchant for bizarre, yet effective, marketing techniques. Let me be the first to acknowledge this was not one of my best posts. Don’t get me wrong — the concept was good, but the execution was a little weak. What can I say? It happens. You cruise along and then mid-week your toddler gets the flu or whatever, you cut a few corners, don’t elaborate or edit as much as you should. But I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to juggle career and a family. Or do I?

Anyway, somehow this post caught on with your people. I don’t know why — I never pegged most of them as personal finance blog fans. But whatever. Because over the past ten days or so, my site’s traffic has quadrupled abruptly. Look: I’m not complaining, Lady Gaga, it’s just — well, are you familiar with the Digg Effect? See, what happens is, you’re crusing along with normally increasing traffic, and then you get a giant spike all at once, and your server crashes, and your hosting company starts to wonder if you’re a spammer, and everything is fucked for a few hours or so.

Luckily for both of us, this happened last Saturday, when most of my regular audience was off having a life and not trying to surf the site anyway. Also I have a totally awesome hosting company that actually does customer service and will help you quickly when this kind of thing happens. So it’s all cleared up now, see, except for a little matter of the bill, which by the second clause of The Shatner Rule, I think you should pretty much have to cover for me. But we’ll discuss that later, when I get back from my mid-post costume change.

Anyway, getting back to The Shatner Rule, I don’t know if you remember when William Shatner had to buy a dedicated server for The Bloggess when, as a direct result of his Twitter negligence, The Bloggess’ server crashed a few months back. So I was thinking that, seeing as how I’m not even asking for a dedicated server, just like a six month hosting period on the Pro Level, let’s say, it’s pretty much the least you could do to sport me the bandwidth to allow for this influx of your crazy fans. And while I’m on the topic of your fans, let me — crap, it’s time for another costume change.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Your fans. Listen, I’m sure you have some normal ones, and I totally think you’re a cool person. Especially for an alien! Just this morning, I heard on the radio that you spent a thousand dollars buying pizza for fans waiting in line to get your autograph! So let me just say something: some of your fans are a little bit rabid, and they seem to have an obsession with things like spelling, or grammar, and errors therein. And I suspect that maybe they are from Planet Whackadoodle as well, because they keep harping on me about my spelling and my supposed hatred of you, and — I’m leveling with you now, Lady Gaga — I cannot figure out what they are complaining about. I’ve looked and I’ve looked, and I still don’t know what they are talking about, it is like Perez Hilton’s entire fanbase has taken over my modest personal finance blog, and it’s getting quite frightening.

I hate to trouble you with this because I know you are busy trying to find new ways of covering up your face for public appearances. But, please, Lady Gaga, I beg of you — call off your goons.In closing, I am Your Humble Servant And At Your Disposal Always &c.,
Lady Anna

Comments (26)

  1. Nov 25, 2009


    I couldn't find the spelling error either. I thought it was just because I'm not as smart as Lady Gaga fans.

  2. Nov 25, 2009

    Go you! This is hysterical. And who knew the Lady Gaga fans were so rabidly obsessive? (PS, I hope my spell checker worked. With my master's degree and all, you never can tell…)

  3. Nov 25, 2009

    Wackadoodle celebrity has wackadoodle fans … seems fitting.

    What are you doing to do when Oprah’s minions come for you?

  4. Nov 25, 2009

    Oh, Anna, this was sheer greatness.

  5. Nov 25, 2009

    Well done. Well done, indeed.

    I admit that I keep going back to that post and being considerably confused by the hoopla. It seemed innocuous enough to me. But then, I’m not a Gaga fan, soooo…

  6. Andrew Stevens
    Nov 25, 2009

    I foolishly commented on that post before the hordes descended and subscribed via email, so my inbox has been spammed with those comments. Curious, I actually did put the post through a spell-checker. There was exactly one spelling error. At one point, you wrote “htis” instead of “this.” This is an obvious typo and anybody criticizing you for it is frankly a little crazy. I’ll also completely defend you on content. Your post was frankly fawning over Lady Gaga; I honestly have no idea how they could think you were insulting her. I’m not defending you on grammar, though.

  7. Denise
    Nov 25, 2009

    This might be my most favorite post of yours ever. Hysterical with the costume changes!

  8. Nov 25, 2009

    I had a typo that I fixed, but that was like three weeks ago, and there are people STILL talking about how I need to run spell-check.

  9. Nov 25, 2009

    Well, we’ll have to consult the legion of stupid to make sure everything is spelled correctly from now on, I suppose.

  10. Nov 25, 2009

    Oh, Eckhard Tolle help us if that ever happens. I’m not sure Oprah has such rabid supporters, though she certainly has people who love her. I doubt they feel that it’s as necessary to defend her from everyone and everything.

  11. Nov 25, 2009

    Why, thank you.

  12. Nov 25, 2009

    It’s weird, there never seems to be any logic about which posts do this kind of thing. But man, she has a lot of fans.

  13. Nov 25, 2009


    Well, re the commenters, I’m reminded of the sage words of Pink, who lamented that this used to be a fun house, and now it’s full of evil clowns.

  14. Nov 25, 2009

    : )

  15. Nov 30, 2009

    My list is up this morning dear Anna, but apparently I haven’t enough caffeine in me so actually see where to comment on the actual list post. Forgive!

  16. Lanora
    Nov 30, 2009

    I read both Gaga related write ups and found nothing that seemed like a hatred for Lady Gaga is happening. I am a Lady Gaga fan so I wonder why. Is it some people just simply can not tolerate any view of a subject which is not exactly in line with their own? But that sounds like Republicans, you would think most Gaga fans would be Independents or at least Green party. No I think it’s the whole how dare you attitude, well we are in America where someone like Lady Gaga was able to land and her fans should consider themselves lucky this country allows the freedom for aliens to freely run around and for them to follow. On the other hand the fans should realize that those same freedoms allow for others to speak their minds about the strangeness that makes her so appealing!

  17. Nov 30, 2009

    I just saw this video of Lady Gaga before she got famous (i.e. pre-nose job). She actually is talented. She had a nice voice and played the piano, albeit not expertly, but in a nice Norah Jones sort of way (but I just hate it when people play the piano with bare feet – tacky). Anyway, so it really surprises me what a sell-out she is. Her music now is so simplistic. It’s all about a cliche beat, cliche words, cliche melody. I can’t even stand to listen to her.

  18. Crash Commanda
    Dec 1, 2009

    My first (and probably best) laugh of the day. Thanks, Anna!

  19. meredith
    Dec 2, 2009

    Hahahahahaha wow umm get a life and stop making fun of celebrities. You really think Lady GaGa gives a flying fuck about you or your opinions??? Haha this is so funny to me because she’s becoming more and more famous every day and your dumb ass post isn’t going to make an “impact” or whatever the hell you’re trying to do. Hahaha alright I’m done. Oh yeah I know I already mentioned this earlier, get a life…idiot.

  20. Mike
    Jan 3, 2010

    Hi Anna, I wanted to add some GaGa stock to my portfolio – is this the right site for that? I think it’s traded on the Dow. Please let me know asap:)

  21. Jan 3, 2010

    @Mike, it must be, because somehow I have invested in Lady Gaga over the last few months. I fear if her stock crashes, so will my pageviews!

  22. Brian
    Jan 7, 2010

    It’s all well and good to poke fun at the Gaga, and i’m sure she’d appreciate it. But let me show you what she would say to you concerning your allegations that she has crazy eyes, and loves to cover up her face out of some type of embarassment: “I’ve got 3 number one records, and i’ve sold almost 4 million records world wide. What is there to be embarrassed about?” These Lady Gaga posts have accomplished two things: they’ve gotten you attention (which ironically enough you accuse the Gaga of), and they’ve shown me that you are willing to take shallow jabs at talented people about the way they look.

    Peace, whoever the fuck you are

  23. Joy
    Feb 7, 2010

    @Brian: Wow… now it’s “the Gaga”, kind of like “the Donald”.

    Anna, I found your blog via the 3rd Tribe forums, and it’s the most interesting thing I’ve found on-line in a long time! Your costume changes in this post made me laugh so hard my cats had to come see what I was looking at!

    Thank you! I’ll be back.

  24. Feb 7, 2010

    Hi Joy! Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. That Third Tribe subscription just keeps on paying dividends!

  25. Mike
    Mar 7, 2010

    Hollywood and cinema today is just sad, people are sheep and mainstream media is an effective herder… I mean, Gaga couldn’t carry a tune if you gave her one in a bucket. Even the girl making this blog is prettier than she is currently, which is after Gaga’s $500,000+ worth of plastic surgery. My real question I guess is, why do so few people connect the outlandish face coverings with her constant change of facial appearance and obvious over-use, albeit necessary use, of plastic surgery??

  26. May 12, 2010

    I sincerely like Lady Gaga and her extraordinary costumes but she definitely let herself down now being seen out in see through undergarments.

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