Please, Lady Gaga, Call Off Your Goons
Ms. Lady Gaga
132 Marketer’s Dream Way
Gay Cult Icon, CA OU812
. . . . . . . . . . . . ……………………..Reference: The Shatner Rule
First, let me be clear that I come in peace. In order to demonstrate this to you in a language I know you can understand, I have adopted your planet’s preferred method of face adornment.
Now, to get down to business: you are no doubt aware that I wrote a post about you a few weeks back discussing your penchant for bizarre, yet effective, marketing techniques. Let me be the first to acknowledge this was not one of my best posts. Don’t get me wrong — the concept was good, but the execution was a little weak. What can I say? It happens. You cruise along and then mid-week your toddler gets the flu or whatever, you cut a few corners, don’t elaborate or edit as much as you should. But I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to juggle career and a family. Or do I?
Anyway, somehow this post caught on with your people. I don’t know why — I never pegged most of them as personal finance blog fans. But whatever. Because over the past ten days or so, my site’s traffic has quadrupled abruptly. Look: I’m not complaining, Lady Gaga, it’s just — well, are you familiar with the Digg Effect? See, what happens is, you’re crusing along with normally increasing traffic, and then you get a giant spike all at once, and your server crashes, and your hosting company starts to wonder if you’re a spammer, and everything is fucked for a few hours or so.
Luckily for both of us, this happened last Saturday, when most of my regular audience was off having a life and not trying to surf the site anyway. Also I have a totally awesome hosting company that actually does customer service and will help you quickly when this kind of thing happens. So it’s all cleared up now, see, except for a little matter of the bill, which by the second clause of The Shatner Rule, I think you should pretty much have to cover for me. But we’ll discuss that later, when I get back from my mid-post costume change.
Anyway, getting back to The Shatner Rule, I don’t know if you remember when William Shatner had to buy a dedicated server for The Bloggess when, as a direct result of his Twitter negligence, The Bloggess’ server crashed a few months back. So I was thinking that, seeing as how I’m not even asking for a dedicated server, just like a six month hosting period on the Pro Level, let’s say, it’s pretty much the least you could do to sport me the bandwidth to allow for this influx of your crazy fans. And while I’m on the topic of your fans, let me — crap, it’s time for another costume change.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Your fans. Listen, I’m sure you have some normal ones, and I totally think you’re a cool person. Especially for an alien! Just this morning, I heard on the radio that you spent a thousand dollars buying pizza for fans waiting in line to get your autograph! So let me just say something: some of your fans are a little bit rabid, and they seem to have an obsession with things like spelling, or grammar, and errors therein. And I suspect that maybe they are from Planet Whackadoodle as well, because they keep harping on me about my spelling and my supposed hatred of you, and — I’m leveling with you now, Lady Gaga — I cannot figure out what they are complaining about. I’ve looked and I’ve looked, and I still don’t know what they are talking about, it is like Perez Hilton’s entire fanbase has taken over my modest personal finance blog, and it’s getting quite frightening.
I hate to trouble you with this because I know you are busy trying to find new ways of covering up your face for public appearances. But, please, Lady Gaga, I beg of you — call off your goons.In closing, I am Your Humble Servant And At Your Disposal Always &c.,