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The Only Reason I Would Want To Be On TV Regularly Is To Get And Stay Thin

The Only Reason I Would Want To Be On TV Regularly Is To Get And Stay Thin

I don't know what's going on with my expression in this picture.

I don't know what's going on with my expression in this picture.

I share the same hairstylist as the actress Jaime Pressly. This happy coincidence is far less glamorous than it seems, because in Los Angeles, the odds are that this kind of thing will happen. I am telling you this because it is my roundabout way of introducing a really unscientific case study of weight loss and maintenance of weight loss that I’ve been running in my head. That scientific study has as its hypothesis that the only good reason to appear on television regularly, that I can think of, is that it gives you consistent motivation to get and/or stay thin.

It is difficult to locate full length pictures of myself from this period.

It is difficult to locate full length pictures of myself from this period.

See, Jaime Pressly has a son who is almost exactly the same age as Mini. I know this because when I was pregnant, I would go get my hair cut, and Sean would give me updates about how Jaime Pressly’s pregnancy was progressing. So not only did I learn that Jaime Pressly ate a lot of food from McDonald’s whilst pregnant, I also learned when she was about to give birth, and as such she served as kind of a checks and balances system on my own pregnancy weight gain. Because even though Jaime Pressly was supposedly eating McDonald’s, I would see her on TV and she would look much better than I did, even when you allow for the fact that she’s breathtakingly beautiful to begin with and all of the necessary discrepancies in our respective appearances this causes. Jaime Pressly gaining less weight than I did when pregnant was annoying enough, but it was much worse once we had both given birth; this was in April, and by August, she had lost all of the baby weight and was back on My Name Is Earl, where she was using *a prosthetic pregnancy belly* because her character on the show was still pregnant, and she had lost all her weight. [Bitch.]

Jonna from The Real World Cancun was always thin. But she showed up for the reunion show about ten to fifteen pounds lighter.

Jonna from The Real World Cancun was always thin. But she showed up for the reunion show about ten to fifteen pounds lighter.

It was about that time that I started thinking that TV appearances are the best way to lose weight and stay thin. Even being a movie star would not be more effective: movie stars have breaks between their projects, and stretches of time when they’re not being filmed every day. It’s easy for pounds to creep on during those periods — just look at Kate Winslet. She’ll be thin in a movie and then gain a little bit of weight, and then she’ll have to lose it before the next project. That’s fine, but I’d like to just maintain the constant, outside motivation that only regular appearances on national TV can provide. This is a humiliation that has made hundreds of actresses stay thin for decades at a time, even when they didn’t want to — take Kirsty Alley (fought off weight until after Cheers), Jennifer Anniston (always thin, but lost about 20 pounds over the course of the Friends run), Courtney Cox (also always thin, and has been on network TV for most of her adult life), and just about any reality TV show female character.

Which brings me to Kate Gosselin.

I don’t want to look like Kate Gosselin, mind you. But you have got to say that this is a pretty convincing argument for why being on TV regularly is a good diet plan.

I am not sure which one is worse, now that I think about it.

I am not sure which one is worse, now that I think about it.

Do you think she’s going to be able to stay thin now that the show’s been cancelled?

Comments (25)

  1. Oct 28, 2009

    Okay, so A) you’re a cute pregnant person – the kind that’s all baby, nothing extra – which is certainly enviable! B) Jaime Pressley is from my town, and she hasn’t always looked like that, FYI. You’re totally right about the TV factor. C) HOLY MOTHER look at Kate Gosselin! Is that seriously her?!

  2. Oct 28, 2009

    I dont’ know Kate’s weight, but jesus christ that woman has some chronic hair issues. Doesn’t she look in the mirror? She should pay a vist ot sean.

    Also, how about Heidi Klum? Wasn’t her skinny ass in a runway show like five minutes after giving birth? Whatevs, I still love her.

  3. Oct 28, 2009

    Listen. If you are going to post pictures of yourself that are supposedly “fat,” there better be some damn fat showing in the picture. Having a 1/4″ of belly protruding does not count.

    Second, those women are skinny…who knows what they do to get there. At the very least, they don’t get to eat much (and often I think there’s pills and vomiting and nutrient-deprived diets and stuff). It’s not worth it.

  4. Oct 28, 2009

    This settles it. I must be on TV. Daily.

  5. Oct 28, 2009

    It looks like it’s all baby, but it’s just because at that point the baby is so damn big it makes everything look small. I had about 30 pounds to lose after pregnancy, and only ten pounds of it would budge the first six months.

    There is nothing like the threat of constant cameras to make you try to look your best. That is the ONLY reason some of these actors and actresses area attractive. Some are naturally attractive, but without the maintenance they would look like everyone else.

    And yeah, that’s Kate Gosselin after having her sextuplets. Which, yeah, I mean that’s going to be hard on your body. But the point is just the transformation.

  6. Oct 28, 2009

    Yeah, Kate needs hair help. But you know, I think she’s beyond help, because she thinks everyone wants her hair. I’ve heard her say it.

    And yeah, Heidi Klum is a very good example. I don’t think she even gains weight while she’s pregnant. It’s ridiculous. She just pops them out and goes back to wearing all her high-fashion stuff two days later.

  7. Oct 28, 2009

    Kerry, I don’t even have any pictures showing my lower half for the first year of Mini’s life, other than the one above. And that is after I had been dieting religiously for six months. SIX MONTHS! Six months of starving myself and I still couldn’t get the weight off. Either these actresses have biologically different bodies from every other woman in the world, or they are starving themselves and taking heroin to get thin. Or something equally horrible. It’s just not possible! And the ones who claim to be breastfeeding, I’m like — are you giving your kid the heroin, too, then? Because how could you be that thin that fast?

  8. Oct 28, 2009

    It’s a super simple diet plan!

  9. Oct 28, 2009

    I was so sick during my pregnancies that I actually lost weight. With my daughter, I lost 10 lbs, and I lost 15 pounds with my son. I gained it all back and then some not long after they were born, because I was so happy to be able to eat again…but one thing I learned from the experience is that I would much rather be fat than unhealthy.

    If you can be that thin AND healthy, great…but some of the really unhealthy things people do to stay that skinny are not worth it, IMO.

  10. Snakey
    Oct 28, 2009

    Kate’s hair is obviously channeling her inner Polish hen. Not surprising, given she took human pregnancy to the land of brood.

  11. Snakey
    Oct 28, 2009

    Kate’s hair is obviously channeling her inner Polish hen. Not surprising, given she took human pregnancy to the land of brood.

  12. Oct 28, 2009

    Ha! This is so funny. Do you find yourself comparing the development of the star kid, too? My younger child was born around the same time as Suri Cruise and I’d look at magazines and think, “Hmmm…Suri is potty trained, but she’s still drinking magical barley water out of a bottle.”

    The case of someone like Jaime Pressly is intersting because with big-big celebs on the red carpet etc you can think, “Oh, they are being followed around and touched up by a stylist, in good lighting etc.” But Jaime Pressly is probably doing her own makeup & styling herself (for the most part) for her events and also now in the days of “Stars….They’re Just Like Us” they are photographed out & about at the grocery store or Target etc.

    EXCEPT for the gas station pumping photo. Ever notice how celebs photographed pumping gas always look SO good? This is so totally posed. They KNOW it’s a primo photo op. There is this one gas station right near all the Third Street shops and you can see the papparazzi camped out there waiting for Heather Locklear to pump gas in stilettos with perfect hair & makeup.

  13. I looked great after #2, but after #4 & the whole dissertation crunch I’m not feeling/looking my best. I’ve given myself until his 1st birthday now. I am not like the women who give birth & become instantly thin again. Of course most women in Hollywood have to follow strict diet plans, have a chef, trainer & stylist to help them along. There are also a few who have been rumored to have a little nip/tuck if they give birth via c-section the questionable “c-tuck”. Some must lose weight or lose their contracts–horrible pressure. Me, I’m more Leah Remini who gained all the weight while on TV when preggers & had to work really hard to get back into shape but did so over the course of months.

  14. Oct 28, 2009

    I’m thinking it’s less the TV and more the speedballs.

    And I’m with the others saying, “THAT was Kate?!”

  15. Oct 28, 2009

    Also the point about Kate Gosselin is that I have got to get my own TV show and PRONTO! But a different hair stylist, because good grief. I have also heard her say that everyone wants her hair. I’d love to know who that “everyone” is. They should be shot.

  16. Oct 29, 2009

    Patois cracked me up! You’re lucky, Anna, because you have a pretty face and striking hair color. Even with a few extra pounds, you’re very attractive. I had at least 20 pounds to lose after each pregnancy, and it was difficult. I felt hungry all the time. My youngest is four and we’ve caught our limit, so I won’t have to deal with losing baby weight again.

    I totally follow your logic. We ALL need to land a television program to maintain our fitness.

  17. Oct 29, 2009

    Yes, where is the ethical, non-drug form of speedballs that we can use as a mass market diet product? Because without them, I maintain getting TV gigs is the ony thing that’s going to work!

  18. Oct 29, 2009

    I still don’t look good. Mini is 2 1/2. But I have only myself and chocolate covered pretzels to blame, really.

  19. Oct 29, 2009

    Juliet, no, I haven’t really tracked her kid’s development. But that’s only because I try to stay away from those kinds of comparisons with kids, because I think it makes everybody crazy if they focus on it too much.

  20. Oct 29, 2009

    @Elizabeth, LOL. And thanks for the email about the Kate Gosselin halloween wig. So funny. Anybody who wants to check it out, go here:



  21. Oct 29, 2009

    Chris, don’t tell anyone but my haircolor is not naturally this color. Well, it mostly is, but I do have some help from Sean.

  22. Oct 29, 2009

    Well, I would rather be fat than nauseous chronically, yes. I definitely learned that from pregnancy. It was awful.

  23. Oct 29, 2009

    Uggh. I have some weird spambots doing things to people’s comments. I’m guessing that Snakey did not add that last part to her comment, nor the link. I know her pretty well.

  24. Oct 29, 2009

    That last comment should have been to @beth.

    That’s it. I give up for today.

  25. Oct 30, 2009

    Kate had some serious help from a plastic surgeon too, don’t forget that. Plus she has nannies and camera crews to raise her children so she has time to work out. As for the hair, well there is just no explanation for that though I have to say it is helping my diet because every time I see it, I get a little queasy.

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