12 Things To Do Right After You Win The Nobel Peace Prize
- First, have somebody confirm that you were nominated. Because this is the first you’ve heard about it.
- If yes, then you need to get somebody on the Hillary Situation STAT.
- Issue a statement — ooh! use the fact that you didn’t know you were nominated — that’s good. Also throw in something about being humbled, &c.
- Later on, you can say something about how this isn’t an award for you, it’s an award for American leadership or some other Si, Se Puede! bullshit — they usually eat that stuff up, and I mean, what are you supposed to say? It’s not like you were expecting this!
- Beyond that, see if Desmond Tutu can come up with a good spin. That Tutu always has the best spins.
- Remind the naysayers that your wife’s ancestry has just been traced directly to a slave-girl who was raped by her white owner, and now she’s the First Lady, and if that’s not fucking worth some kind of goddamn prize, then you’re not the President of the United States. Also, that they can suck it.
- Remind the naysayers that, just a few days before the nominations for this year’s prize were submitted, you signed an order banning torture and ordering that Gitmo be closed within a year, and that even if it’s not still on track to be closed within that year, it’s not because you haven’t been trying to get it closed. And also, that they can suck it.
- See if Al Gore and Jimmy Carter have any interest in starting some kind of Dreamworks SKG like endeavor for ex-politicians once this gig is over. Because you are running out of things to accomplish now, and you are only 48.
- Distract yourself from the fact that your reaction to receiving the award was almost identical to Fidel Castro’s take on your receiving the award by imagining, with mirth, what George W. Bush’s reaction to both would had to have been, if he had a brain, and could react to things like this.
- Reflect, again, on how funny it is that a Swedish guy who made all of his money from dynamite would set up this foundation so that five Norwegians could give out prizes to people, after his death, for promoting peace. And that this is an instance of what in common parlance is referred to as “irony,” but is actually not an instance of irony in its strict definition.
- Reflect that it’s really hard not to make fun of Scandinavians at times like these, even if you are the President of the United States, and the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.
- Seriously, aren’t the Norwegians the ones who leave their babies in strollers outside when they go in to shops? In the winter? How is that OK? That is not OK.
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