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The 12 Steps of Resigned Governors Anonymous

The 12 Steps of Resigned Governors Anonymous

  1. We admitted we were powerless over David Letterman—that the public perception of our scandals had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a PR wizard or superstar agent with connections greater than our own could restore us to being quietly tolerated by the general public.
  3. Made a decision to turn our careers over to the care of Ari Emmanuel as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves in front of CNN cameras, using metaphors stolen from The Thornbirds. Or, in other cases, against our wills because they tapped our phones and hacked into our email archives, or the McCain camp leaked evidence of our absurdities to the Liberal Media.
  5. Admitted to Ari Emmanuel, to our long-suffering spouses (standing behind us wearing shit-eating grins), and to another civil servant–the guy stuck with cleaning up the mess after we quit–the exact nature of our wrongs. (Well, kind of. Might have left a few things out, but more or less the exact nature of our wrongs.)
  6. Were entirely ready to have Ari Emmanuel make it appear as if all of these defects of character had been removed. I mean, if you want to call them defects. It seems a little harsh.
  7. Humbly asked Ari Emmanuel to remove our shortcomings. Or, barring that, to at least make it seem like our shortcomings had been removed. Howevermuch it costs.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, as well as those we never got a chance to harm. Became willing to figure out new ways to harm them, now that our abuse of state administrative power was not an option.
  9. Paid for direct flights to Argentina on our personal credit cards wherever possible, except when to do so would incite the interest of the Liberal Media.
  10. Continued to take inventory of clothing purchased from Neiman Marcus with campaign funds and when we had worn it listed it on eBay along with spare state-funded aircraft.
  11. Sought through lessened media contact and ignoring of late night talk show hosts to improve our conscious contact with reality as we understood it, hoping for knowledge of Our Party’s will for us and, someday, the power to carry that out. Without bribes.
  12. Having had a political awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others on Twitter, where we wouldn’t be edited out of context. And to look into using the things people call “principles” in all our affairs, be they extra marital or otherwise.

Check out these list lovers:

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  3. Tim at SaferByChoice
  4. Elizabeth at Half Baked, Twice As Good
  5. Kerry at ClueWagon

Comments (15)

  1. Jul 6, 2009

    Ah, the principles. I need to look into those myself. Should the governors discover these, may they pass that bit of knowledge along to the rest of us.

    My list is up!

  2. Jul 6, 2009

    Seriously, is there some sort of Mad Governor’s Disease going around? What is the deal lately?

    Not that we didn’t know Palin was a whackadoodle, but geez. If I wasn’t lazy, I’d start a new blog devoted to the nation’s governors, and I’d never struggle for material.

    My list is up.

  3. Mr. Right-Click
    Jul 6, 2009

    I don’t pray, literally down on my knees, very often. But lately I have been seeking divine intervention that the cockwad South Carolina governor does not resign. He needs to have an impeachment trial where he testifies about his South American love while re-crossing his legs and tugging at his pant’s zipper like the eighth grader he is. Man, that idiot is pure comic gold. He is truly the epitome of a republican limp dick cocksucker hypocrite churchgoing bound for hell motherfucker morally bankrupt public servant on the doll shitdick sodomite infidel. Their ticket for 2012 should be him and Palin with a conservative/swingers/hunters/Special Olympics platform stressing family values, abstinence, good time parties, international travel, big game hunting and, of course, lower taxes and less government. My list is my wife’s list by proxy… God Bless America!

  4. Jul 6, 2009

    Jeez, Anna, I pictured you married to someone a little more opinionated. This Right-Click dude seems kinda wishy-washy.

    The interesting thing about Sanford is the wife. I mean, here’s a woman who was a high-achiever on her own, and she gave up her job to be the housefrau to this guy. How pissed must she be? And certainly he didn’t just turn into a moron overnight, so why has she put up with it this long? What made her even go on a third date with a guy this goofy?

  5. Jul 6, 2009

    I was thinking the same thing as Kerry – there are 50 states, so you could easily have a new list every Monday without looking at anything but the govs. But it really is kind of a lonely office when you think about it. Your bosses are the people of the state, and yet you have no supervisor. So how do you know if you should be seeing the hooker/mistress/possible senatorial nominee/snow machine race or doing something that, you know, benefits the great state of ______?

  6. Jul 6, 2009

    Yes, my husband is quite the shrinking violet, isn’t he? 🙂

  7. Jul 6, 2009

    Oh, Mr. Right-Click, you have no idea. The past two weeks have been about the most fun I’ve had since I moved to SC. And when I left NY, client #9, Eliot Spitzer, was still the guv, so I know from happy-pants governors. Sanford’s a self-destructive lovesick puppy. I should be angry at how he’s embarrassing the people of this state, but it’s just too funny. Friday’s stunning announcement has made SC Republicans confused about what to do with their stash of Palin-Sanford ’12 bumper stickers, however. Plus, we’ve got a serial killer now in SC, too, which is very exciting. It feels more like home now and less like a frighteningly real version of Mayberry.

    Kerry, I dig that Jenny Sanford didn’t rush to be at her husband’s side when he did his tearful confession to the media, like Spitzer’s and McGreevey’s wives did. But I don’t understand why she hasn’t initiated divorce proceedings in light of his never-ending maudlin statements about crossing the line with other women, his mistress being his soulmate and how he will now try to fall back in love with his wife. It’s sure to provide further comedy, though, whatever happens.

  8. Jul 6, 2009

    Yeah, your state is having a heck of a time lately, Eliz. I’m glad Mrs. Sanford isn’t standing by her man, but it is a bit of a head-scratcher for why she’d want to be with him in the first place. Must be some kind of desire to be a political wife, though you’d think someone that accomplished would just go for the job herself.

  9. Jul 6, 2009

    Anna, well, she’s apparently quite holy, given how peppered her public statements have been with Bible verses about forgiveness, so maybe she’s one of those “a woman’s most important vocation is raising a family” types. (And I’m not knocking that choice AT ALL. There’s a little bit of that type in every SAHM.) (And I’m also aware that I appear to be slamming her piousness. I’m not. I’m just Bible-illiterate.) I wish she could take his place if he were to resign.

    But what up with Palin! What’s your guess – indictments on the way or just wants to get out on the speaking circuit so she can make some bank to pay off their legal bills?

  10. Jul 6, 2009

    Indictments are supposedly not happening, but who knows if they’re telling the truth about that. If she were a reasonable person, then I would say she just doesn’t want the scrutiny anymore, but I cannot imagine that she’s made a really well thought-out action plan for herself. I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes and takes back her resignation at some point.

  11. Jul 6, 2009

    I am hoping that Palin’s deal is that she has a boyfriend in Argentina. That would rock about 18 different ways.

    I gotta say, it must suck to be a Republican these days.

  12. David
    Jul 6, 2009

    I’ve realized that Sanford would make the perfect Secretary of State in the next Repubican administration. He has so much hands-on experience with foreign affairs.

  13. Jul 7, 2009

    You asked for it: you’ve been reviewed.

  14. Jul 7, 2009

    Just found your blog and decided I simply must follow it. I, too, am a recovering academic and mother, amongst other things.
    I would comment on this blog post, only I’m Belgian and the whole governors thing has registered on my radar, but I don’t know the details. I do know Jon and Kate, though, so I’m not completely ignorant of American current affairs. 🙂

  15. Jul 7, 2009

    Welcome, MWA! Glad to have you as a reader!

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