The 12 Steps of Resigned Governors Anonymous
- We admitted we were powerless over David Letterman—that the public perception of our scandals had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a PR wizard or superstar agent with connections greater than our own could restore us to being quietly tolerated by the general public.
- Made a decision to turn our careers over to the care of Ari Emmanuel as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves in front of CNN cameras, using metaphors stolen from The Thornbirds. Or, in other cases, against our wills because they tapped our phones and hacked into our email archives, or the McCain camp leaked evidence of our absurdities to the Liberal Media.
- Admitted to Ari Emmanuel, to our long-suffering spouses (standing behind us wearing shit-eating grins), and to another civil servant–the guy stuck with cleaning up the mess after we quit–the exact nature of our wrongs. (Well, kind of. Might have left a few things out, but more or less the exact nature of our wrongs.)
- Were entirely ready to have Ari Emmanuel make it appear as if all of these defects of character had been removed. I mean, if you want to call them defects. It seems a little harsh.
- Humbly asked Ari Emmanuel to remove our shortcomings. Or, barring that, to at least make it seem like our shortcomings had been removed. Howevermuch it costs.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, as well as those we never got a chance to harm. Became willing to figure out new ways to harm them, now that our abuse of state administrative power was not an option.
- Paid for direct flights to Argentina on our personal credit cards wherever possible, except when to do so would incite the interest of the Liberal Media.
- Continued to take inventory of clothing purchased from Neiman Marcus with campaign funds and when we had worn it listed it on eBay along with spare state-funded aircraft.
- Sought through lessened media contact and ignoring of late night talk show hosts to improve our conscious contact with reality as we understood it, hoping for knowledge of Our Party’s will for us and, someday, the power to carry that out. Without bribes.
- Having had a political awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others on Twitter, where we wouldn’t be edited out of context. And to look into using the things people call “principles” in all our affairs, be they extra marital or otherwise.
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