17 Things To Do If Your Governor Is Missing
- See if Shaq has seen him on Twitter.
- Brainstorm alternative methods for obtaining a pardon from your death sentence–and fast.
- Retrace your steps one by one.
- See if the Lieutenant Governor has a comment to make.
- Try to figure out who the Lieutenant Governor is.
- Check to see if he’s hiding behind clichés from the The Thornbirds.
- If you live in Alaska, check the monologue notes at Worldwide Pants.
- Post pictures around your neighborhood and contact your local humane society.
- Become temporarily distracted by the death of a pop star.
- If you live in Minnesota, check the latest WWF listings.
- See if you can railroad approval for TARP funds through the state’s legislature in his absence.
- If you live in 1930s Louisiana, check the cement foundations of any recent building projects.
- See if he’s waiting in line outside the Apple Store.
- If you live in Illinois, check the FBI wire taps of his phone.
- If you live in Illinois, and the wire taps yield nothing, check underneath his toupée.
- Check to see if he’s eating a salad under a palm tree.
- If you live in California, check the (virtual) cutting room floor at Industrial Lights and Magic.
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