Heavy Breathing And Secondary Embarrassment
INSTRUCTOR: Did I ever tell you why I don’t drink tequila and listen to this song anymore?
ANNA: [internal monologue] Here we go . . .
INSTRUCTOR: If you guys stick around after class for two minutes, I’ll tell you this crazy story.
CLASS: Ooh, aah, ohhhhh
ANNA: [internal monologue] See, I’m just saying–to feel this bad, even ONE TIME–to be this worn out and beaten down, after one class of spinning, after 8 months of doing it regularly–I just feel like I should get to be thin. Like right now. Not after five years of regular workouts or dieting or whatever. Just one class like this, to have endured it, should earn me the right to be thin forever–
INSTRUCTOR: The story is about why I don’t drink tequila when I hear this song anymore . . .
CLASS: [scattered disingenuous laughter] Murmur, murmurmurmumur
ANNA: [internal monologue] And I KNOW that woman has kids–more than one. So how is she so thin? Is it that you have to wait like ten years–when your kids are in middle school, then you can be thin? Like ten plus years of constant dieting and exercise or something? Is that the secret to post-pregnancy metabolism? Because otherwise, it’s like if you just breathe in somebody else’s discarded idea of eating something, then you gain weight.
INSTRUCTOR: So we were out at the Riviera hotel in Palm Springs? Have you been there? It’s all redone, mid-century? No? Well, we were out by the pool, a bunch of us, and we had been drinking. We were drinking tequila. It was good tequila, though. And there were these women–
CLASS: [scattered laughter]
INSTRUCTOR: — we could tell they were there for some special purpose, right? Because they were ranging in ages from like 22 to . . . say, 50. And I was like 7 tequila shots in at this point. And it was 105 degrees out.
CLASS: ohhhhhh [knowing looks]
INSTRUCTOR: So this woman comes up to me, she’s one of the younger women, right? And she says, “Hey you with the shaved head and the tatoo . . . [pause for timing] . . . which narrowed it down to about seven of us —
CLASS: [scattered laughter]
INSTRUCTOR: — and she says, “No, YOU,” and points at me. And she says it’s her mother’s birthday, and she thinks I’m hot. And so the daughter wants me to do a lap dance for the mother–a surprise lap dance for her birthday! And she’ll give me $100 if I do it–
CLASS: Oooh, Aaaaah, Ohhhhh
INSTRUCTOR: — and I’m feeling it, right? So I figure why not? And I go get them to put on this song, and I go get in the pool, because I wanted to be wet and make it all great for her–
ANNA: [buries head in towel]
INSTRUCTOR: So I go over and do it, and I really just GO FOR IT, you know? I really just try to give her the best lap dance she’s ever had.
ANNA: [internal monologue] But how many could she possibly —
INSTRUCTOR: — And so I get done, and we’re chit chatting. And the daughter tries to give me the money, and I’m like, “That’s OK.”–
CLASS: Murmur, murmur, murmur murmur
INSTRUCTOR: — Wait! This is where it gets good. So we’re talking, and the mother asks me my name. And I tell her, “It’s [insert INSTRUCTOR’s not overly popular, but very ethnically recognizable name]. And the mother says, “Oh, I’ve always loved that name — wait a second! I know who you are! You’re [INSTRUCTOR’s name}! The owner of [INSTRUCTOR’s Name]’s Restaurant!
CLASS: Oh no she din’t–girl!–uh-huh, &c.
INSTRUCTOR: — And she goes on to say, “I live right on Smith street and I eat there like once a week!” and I realize, this woman is a regular in my restaurant!
CLASS: [UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
INSTRUCTOR: So that’s why I don’t drink tequila and listen to this song anymore! But hey, I walked away with $50 in my pocket!
ANNA: [internal monologue] Wait. I thought he didn’t take the money. And, wasn’t it $100?