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Heavy Breathing And Secondary Embarrassment

Heavy Breathing And Secondary Embarrassment

You keep riding and riding, but you never get anywhere.

You keep riding and riding, but you never get anywhere.

INSTRUCTOR: Did I ever tell you why I don’t drink tequila and listen to this song anymore?
ANNA: [internal monologue] Here we go . . .
INSTRUCTOR: If you guys stick around after class for two minutes, I’ll tell you this crazy story.
CLASS: Ooh, aah, ohhhhh
ANNA: [internal monologue] See, I’m just saying–to feel this bad, even ONE TIME–to be this worn out and beaten down, after one class of spinning, after 8 months of doing it regularly–I just feel like I should get to be thin. Like right now. Not after five years of regular workouts or dieting or whatever. Just one class like this, to have endured it, should earn me the right to be thin forever–
INSTRUCTOR: The story is about why I don’t drink tequila when I hear this song anymore . . .
CLASS: [scattered disingenuous laughter] Murmur, murmurmurmumur
ANNA: [internal monologue] And I KNOW that woman has kids–more than one. So how is she so thin? Is it that you have to wait like ten years–when your kids are in middle school, then you can be thin? Like ten plus years of constant dieting and exercise or something? Is that the secret to post-pregnancy metabolism? Because otherwise, it’s like if you just breathe in somebody else’s discarded idea of eating something, then you gain weight.
INSTRUCTOR: So we were out at the Riviera hotel in Palm Springs? Have you been there? It’s all redone, mid-century? No? Well, we were out by the pool, a bunch of us, and we had been drinking. We were drinking tequila. It was good tequila, though. And there were these women–
CLASS: [scattered laughter]
INSTRUCTOR: — we could tell they were there for some special purpose, right? Because they were ranging in ages from like 22 to . . . say, 50. And I was like 7 tequila shots in at this point. And it was 105 degrees out.
CLASS: ohhhhhh [knowing looks]
INSTRUCTOR: So this woman comes up to me, she’s one of the younger women, right? And she says, “Hey you with the shaved head and the tatoo . . . [pause for timing] . . . which narrowed it down to about seven of us —
CLASS: [scattered laughter]
INSTRUCTOR: — and she says, “No, YOU,” and points at me. And she says it’s her mother’s birthday, and she thinks I’m hot. And so the daughter wants me to do a lap dance for the mother–a surprise lap dance for her birthday! And she’ll give me $100 if I do it–
CLASS: Oooh, Aaaaah, Ohhhhh
INSTRUCTOR: — and I’m feeling it, right? So I figure why not? And I go get them to put on this song, and I go get in the pool, because I wanted to be wet and make it all great for her–
ANNA: [buries head in towel]
INSTRUCTOR: So I go over and do it, and I really just GO FOR IT, you know? I really just try to give her the best lap dance she’s ever had.
ANNA: [internal monologue] But how many could she possibly —
INSTRUCTOR: — And so I get done, and we’re chit chatting. And the daughter tries to give me the money, and I’m like, “That’s OK.”–
CLASS: Murmur, murmur, murmur murmur
INSTRUCTOR: — Wait! This is where it gets good. So we’re talking, and the mother asks me my name. And I tell her, “It’s [insert INSTRUCTOR’s not overly popular, but very ethnically recognizable name]. And the mother says, “Oh, I’ve always loved that name — wait a second! I know who you are! You’re [INSTRUCTOR’s name}! The owner of [INSTRUCTOR’s Name]’s Restaurant!
CLASS: Oh no she din’t–girl!–uh-huh, &c.
INSTRUCTOR: — And she goes on to say, “I live right on Smith street and I eat there like once a week!” and I realize, this woman is a regular in my restaurant!
INSTRUCTOR: So that’s why I don’t drink tequila and listen to this song anymore! But hey, I walked away with $50 in my pocket!

ANNA: [internal monologue] Wait. I thought he didn’t take the money. And, wasn’t it $100?

Comments (12)

  1. I thought the instructor was going to say they got sick all over the recipient of the greatest, dampest lap dance of their life, which I would then say is one way to lose weight, but honestly, I can’t condone that kind of thing anymore.

    I also would have asked for a hundred bucks for that chatter upon leaving the class!

  2. Tish
    Jun 3, 2009

    “…it’s like if you just breathe in somebody else’s discarded idea of eating something, then you gain weight.”

    Love this.

  3. Jun 3, 2009

    I can think of lots of reasons not to drink 7 tequila shots, ever. Not the least of which is that you’d have to revive me from my coma, and it would be highly unlikely that I would ever want to attend a class called “spinning” ever again.

    It is absolutely WRONG that some of these people can actually eat or drink anything they want, while those of us who are more normal have to work our patooties off to get off that glass of wine we had with dinner. There outta be a law. Or at least a little karma.

    The Mother´s last blog post..Apples to Eyeballs

  4. Kerry
    Jun 3, 2009

    That is seventeen different kinds of wrong.

    I wish I had saved some of the pie I finished off yesterday…because the only thing that would have made that story better is pie.

  5. Jun 3, 2009

    This was great! Very entertaining and well written. I enjoyed your internal monologue. Hysterical! I wonder how many parallel discussions/internal monologues occur every day in fitness classes with wanna-be-a-star instructors attempting to impress and entertain their clients.

    BTW, seems my metabolism improved about three years after giving birth. Sucks. Especially if you do it again. I understand.

    Chris´s last blog post..Almost

  6. Jun 3, 2009

    Thanks to the picture above, I will now have nightmares of a hundred identical bikes running me down on a scary-looking, desolate, deserted highway. FOREVER. And it’s not about ‘thin,’ it’s about ‘healthy.’ Or so my scales tell me every Monday morning.

    Elizabeth´s last blog post..Parental pride, except she’s not mine

  7. Jun 3, 2009

    Wait, this spinning instructor is thin, in kickin’ shape AND owns a restaurant? I’m filled with instant hatred. This morning I wrote a post about owning a restaurant and then I had to put on a bathing suit and take my child swimming. Let’s just say the theme of my day has been FAIL! times two.

  8. Jun 3, 2009

    @eliz, yeah. It’s not a super great restaurant, but it kinda fills that niche of decent italian/pizza joint/neighborhood restaurant here. He’s a pretty smart business guy I guess. He does the spinning classes to stay in shape, and of course everybody has to fight over bikes in his class.

  9. Jun 3, 2009

    and then, i told this awful fucking story to my spin class and they all died.

    jenni´s last blog post..Uncontained Chaos

  10. Jun 3, 2009

    Ick! I won’t be fighting for his bike. I liked your internal diaglogue much better.

    The Lawyer Mom´s last blog post..Summertime, and My Living is Queasy

  11. Jun 3, 2009

    One more typo and I’ll shoot myself.

    The Lawyer Mom´s last blog post..Summertime, and My Living is Queasy

  12. Jun 4, 2009

    Funny as hell, but don’t you plot the death of those around while you are spinning? I live in the backwoods and there are NO spinning classes around here, Thank God! I would look horrible all hunched over and trying not to die after the first two minutes.

    Becca´s last blog post..I detest other people’s kids…or why Asthma sucks!

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