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Jon And Kate Plus Or Minus Hate

Jon And Kate Plus Or Minus Hate

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Jon, try to stay awake while the mother of your children is speaking.

Dear Jon & Kate:

That’s right, I’ve come out of my self-imposed retirement from dealing with you two in order to address the recent season 5 premiere. Maligned as a “pity party” by critics, and under scrutiny for the faking of flash bulbs on video cameras by the production team (video cameras have flash bulbs?!), the episode was apparently second only to the finale of American Idol in attracting over 9.8 million viewers. Zounds! Hat-tip to you two. I’m not sure that attaching a price tag to your family’s health and well-being is the best recipe for long-term success, but you chose that path long ago, so who am I to judge?

You might want to read this blog post on two separate browsers, on two separate computers, to match your two separate couches and two separate lives. Wait. Are your lives separate now? Because last night’s episode wasn’t exactly clear on that point. What was clear is that you guys don’t want to sit next to each other if you can avoid it. And I totally understand that, because both of you are total assholes. No need to explain: you’re preaching to the choir.

So maybe you, Jon, could read read the post and then summarize the salient points on a Post-It®, and then leave it somewhere in your giant farmhouse mansion for Kate to find when she returns from one of her speaking trips. Because I get the feeling you guys aren’t really communicating directly these days. It seems like you don’t want to even sit on the same loveseat anymore, and though I knew that loveseat was trouble months ago, it still saddens me to see it.

I’ll start with you, Jon, since it seems like Kate’s got a lot going on right now. (Well, doesn’t she always?) But regardless. Strangely enough, I find that I’m predisposed to side with you, given the fact that I spent all of season 3 complaining about how annoying your wife is, and then after that I had to stop watching your damn show because I suspected it was fake and staged, and because you were either not getting along or making a big show of getting along, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. The good news is: I was right. It was fake and staged.

But let me make this clear, Jon: there is nothing that can absolve you from the responsibility of committing adultery. No, not even being married to a moneygrubbing shrew will get you out of this one. And even if what Kate’s brother said is true, that Kate told you that she wanted a divorce long before you ever got involved with the barfly 23-year-old, there is nothing that can explain away the beer bongs, my friend. You are the father of eight children. I don’t want to hear any sob stories about not having your crazy twenties and being left at home with eight kids and a nanny.

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Jon, are you drunk here? Or just hungover?

To add insult to injury, Jon, you looked like you were tanked during the first interview scene of last night’s episode. Mr. Right-Click and I went back and forth on this, debating whether your slurred speech and flushed face might be the effect of tranquilizers, which I reasoned you could be on legitimately, what with the stress you’ve been under lately. But, as Mr. Right-Click pointed out, in the later interviews you are much more cognizant and on-the-ball, and you appear completely out of it in those early takes.

Egads man, if you want to maintain any credibility, get off the sauce. Or at least start learning to hide your drinking better. You’re making the rest of us alcoholics look bad.

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Kate, you haven’t really changed, I’ll give you that.

And Kate, where to go with you. I will say that you’ve been consistent throughout the series. Sure, you’ve been made over and look much more Hollywood now than a few years ago, even if the rest of us grew out our Sliding Doors haircuts ten years ago. But listen, pretending to be interested in staying married to your husband for the benefit of the cameras is not doing you or your children any favors. We don’t feel sorry for you. We don’t listen to your complaints that you never signed up for this. Yes, you did. And maybe you signed up for it because you needed the money at the time, but if you had any kind of moral objection to it, you would have walked away by now. Surely you have enough now to call it quits, as Jon seemed to want to do at the end of last season. But you didn’t. You kept going, you opted for the bigger mortgage, and with all of your product placements and speaking deals, I’m just not buying that you have to do it for your kids anymore. You like it. So fess up.

I’m going to have to say goodbye to the two of you now. I’ve been convinced that you’re both horrible people for a while now, even if I was in love with your kids for the first few seasons and willing to look beyond the glaring character flaws that the two of you exhibit. Maybe you didn’t set out to sell your kids out, maybe it was a decision made because of financial need. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on that point. But the time to stop selling their childhoods has long since passed, and I think it’s time the two of you start to act like responsible adults.

Comments (14)

  1. May 27, 2009

    I get the sense they’re trying to take the public’s temperature on this, that they’re waiting for the masses to cry, “Please! No!” to decide their next move. Which will be, in this order, whether to forge on with the show and whether to forge on with the marriage. Determining if there remains any public demand for their product will give them their answer. (And I guess those ratings are just what Kate wanted to see.)

  2. May 27, 2009

    ugh. I mean, they’re just despicable. If they hate each other that much, they are not doing their kids any favors by staying together, psychologically or financially.

  3. I wanted to reach through the TV screen and hand Jon one of the towels I was folding and suggest he mop up his sweaty face during those initial interviews. It was a little too Dr. Drew and the Sober House crew there for awhile. After that, I wanted to swoop in over the farm house and scoop up a few of those kids…fingers crossed it would be Lexi and Aaden…and take them out of that house. Kids are far, far smarter than adults sometimes give them credit for, and a kid who leans in to hug an apathetic dad and then says they don’t want them to leave anymore is a damn genius.

    foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog post..‘if there be any truer measure of a man…’

  4. May 27, 2009

    My mom & my seven year old both separately came to the conclusion that there is something wrong with the one older twin (the one who is always bratty.) Wrong how? Just “wrong” somehow. I watched this show in the early days (the Toys R Us trip, the trip to the chocolate factory) but lately it’s just painful. for some weird reason my seven year old is simply entranced by it. I just can’ tturn it on now and didn’t watch the premiere. Recaps are enough for me. I’m sure it’ll be on The Soup.

    Juliet´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday (where I went to school, "Skateboarding Is Not a Crime" and horses aren’t even on the radar)

  5. May 27, 2009

    I am ashamed that I could not wait to see this train wreck. I hadn’t watched before, until all the controversy started up anyway, and then watched approximately 3,232 episodes over the weekend. The season premier was so unreal….clearly they hate each other. And I think Mr. Right Click was right…Jon did look sorta drunk!

    The jury is out on whether or not I’ll watch again…great post…loved the images!

  6. May 27, 2009

    Woo. I didn’t watch this episode and have never seen the show before. Except that I have, really, because the “show” is what’s in the media these days, or so I hear. Not knowing the first thing about this show, I have to wonder if their, ahem, scandalous lives are just ratings fodder.

    Elizabeth´s last blog post..Listening to…

  7. May 27, 2009

    Amen. I stopped watching last season because I could not stand the show anymore, it wasn’t just Kate either – it was the feeling that all those things rubbing you the wrong way added up to something really bad for the kids. I’m all for watching someone do something, ie raise 8 kids, at the end of the day to make my life seem easier. Right up until you realize they aren’t what they are selling – struggling parents trying to get by? yeah, with the Hawaiian vacations and million dollar mansion. If only we were all struggling to discipline 8 kids on those means.

    Lastly though.. thank you for the Sliding Doors reference to her hair, that made my day!

  8. May 27, 2009

    The Sliding Doors comment cracked me up!! I love that movie (mainly because of that Scottiish dude. The accent gets me every time)

    I hate this show, and I’m glad I never got sucked into being a weekly viewer.

    Suzy´s last blog post..Body Cavity Search

  9. May 27, 2009

    I definitely thought he was drunk. Then after I looked a little more, I thought he had the droopy face of someone who is severely depressed. But maybe tranquilized after all.

    Before this episode, I had never seen an entire episode of the show. But I tuned in, and I was shocked (because I’m naive) that their marital discord was not just a subtext of the episode, but was the. . .text, I guess. Do they have a contract with TLC or something that says they MUST do this show? Because I couldn’t understand why they were airing this in public. What the chuck? How much is their dignity worth to them? And do they have no more concept of privacy? The tabloids are not doing it to them–they’re doing it to themselves. Gross.

    becky´s last blog post..Wedding OMG Moments

  10. May 27, 2009

    Methinks perhaps Jon doesn’t like the paps because it makes it harder to party hearty.

    I watched the show while doing other things, but the baldest comment came from Kate who said, “I mean don’t they have another mom to watch?” or some such. “Look, there’s another mom!” Uh – that other mom didn’t participate in a malpractice-worthy multiple birth and then agree to be nationally televised. Unless you refer to the Octomom and she sure as shine DID get followed and torn apart by the media in a way I don’t think Kate has yet even imagined. Oh, and the Christian family subtext makes me want to gag.

  11. May 27, 2009

    I hadn’t even heard of these people until today . . . the NYT ran a story on the country’s increasing fixation with the couple’s increasing friction. The article also pointed out that on Amazon, readers have tagged Kate’s books with “exploitation,” “child abuse” and “narcissism.”

    The Lawyer Mom´s last blog post..Who Knew? A Racier Part II

  12. May 27, 2009

    First, I haven’t been here in a while. I like the new layout, font change, design stuff you’ve done. Looks great! Easy on the eyes.

    Second, I’ve been waiting to read this post all day. It’s been hectic here at Ross Inc., and I simply haven’t had the time to read some of the longer well-written posts [like yours].

    Third, it was worth the wait. I gobbled this one up! Great post!

    Chris´s last blog post..Stubbed Toe

  13. May 28, 2009

    I have thoroughly avoided Jon and Kate and didn’t even know who or what they were until a week ago. Insane, I know. But as I was standing in the grocery check-out line, having recently cut my hair, I noticed a not-very-attractive-woman on the cover of like every tabloid. It freaked me out. Do I look like her? My stylist is top notch and I love my hair. Omigosh do I look like her? So I watched an episode to make sure our hair was different. And forgot to even pay attention once the circus got going. What an awful show. What cute kids. What awful parents. Holy crap! Who gave these people air time!!!???

    Amber Warren´s last blog post..Recession Brings Out the Worst in Clients

  14. May 31, 2009

    Okay, so a few things. (Yup, I’m that person who remembers the perfect retort riding in the car on the way home.)

    One – Anna, I totally channeled you this week and my List post for tomorrow is about JK8. I will email the link tomorrow. I wrote like a woman possessed. Eerie, no?

    Two – I could not resist picking up Kate’s book at the library yesterday. I am dying to know what those in sincerely religious Christian circles think about her, because she writes like she’s deeply religious, spiritual, faithful, etc etc. She writes as though God is central to her life. She literally writes things like, “As they were starting the c-section, I begged them to stop so Jon could pray first.” She writes about her favorite scriptures, the verses that nurture her, etc etc.

    Maybe (maybe?) TLC ordered them to tone down the religion. Maybe. (But they seem fine with the Duggars.) Maybe TLC felt that the Gosselin story is better told without religion and that they are a “normal family” while the Duggars are more on the fringe. I could see that.

    Or….maybe the best book deal Kate got was with a Christian publisher so she is now intensely religious. I dunno. Call me a skeptic, but…

    So anyway…I’m evil, I know. Oh, and I am waiting with one foot impatiently tapping for you to report in for us on the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Worth watching?

    Juliet Grossman´s last blog post..Thankfully Simple thank you note writing service news

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