8 Lesser-Known Heroes And Their Poorly Publicized, Second-Rate Superpowers
[Ed. Note: Thanks to Mr. Right-Click for helping me with both the conceptualization and realization of this list.]
- The Recycler. Give him an empty aluminum can, and he gives you a check for 1/10th of a cent, redeemable at your local grocery store or check-cashing establishment. Yes: just like that.
- Sentence Fragment. Mostly a loner and often disparaged by his fellow heroes for “ruining a good time” and “not just letting us freaking talk,” Sentence Fragment is the undisputed master of all things grammatical, and feels compelled to let you know it. Don’t try to use a run-on around this guy, he not only recognizes the violation, he can quote the rule verse and chapter. Most heroes don’t like to hang out with him for more than a few minutes at a time, but he can always be found lurking on message boards and the comment sections of popular blogs, hoping to be of assistance when he can.
- Half-Caff. Ever have a drink that is supposed to be caffeine free, but you had your doubts? Half-Caff is able to discern, after only one sip, the actual caffeine content (in milligrams) of your beverage. He is often found hanging around with his sidekicks, Is This Really Diet? and How Many Calories Would You Say This Has? due to the similarities in their powers of food-content analysis.
- Mailbox. Most of the time, Mailbox is not particularly useful. But every once in a while, on a lazy day at home, he can help you discern whether the mail has been delivered yet or not, without leaving the safety of your couch! No more embarrassing, empty-handed walks back from the mailbox for you–and, what’s more, no more of those uncomfortable times when the mailman is at the mailbox right when you go out to get the mail, forcing you to make small talk as if you care about his or her life.
- Green Light. Anywhere he goes, any time of day, Green Light gets green lights. This ability to always keep traffic moving in his favor has proved useful for other, more important super heroes on occasion and landed Green Light with several cameo appearances on television shows featuring those other, more important super heroes. This led to some notoriety in the late 1970s, and a few corporate sponsorships by tire and motor oil companies. Eventually, however, Green Light grew tired of his D-List status, always having to be the driver, and became disillusioned with fame and all its trappings. When last seen, Green Light was living a simple life, eschewing automobiles, and preferring instead to walk wherever he went. He still gets green lights at crossing signals, though.
- Photocopier Jam Guy. Not to be confused with Photocopier Jam Fix-It Guy or Toner Guy, stands by photocopiers and warns photocopiers of the impending jamming of the photocopier. That’s right–on a page-by-page basis, Photocopier Jam Guy can predict with 100% accuracy when a sheet of paper will cause a jam. However, he cannot, despite popular misconception, stop the jam from happening, or fix it after it occurs.
- The Spinstress. No matter how late she arrives at the gym, you will never catch The Spinstress without a bike at spin class. Her superability ensures that she is always part of the class, front and center, her signature threadbare Pearl Izumi spandex shorts bouncing always too closely to your face.
- Communal Refrigerator Salad Dressing Theft Detector. Though her powers are usually limited to detecting, at a glance, the identity of the person in your office who stole your salad dressing, her capabilities have mutated in recent months to include the identity of soft drink thieves and the person who finished all the coffee but didn’t make another pot. Together with her twin brother, Empty Toilet Paper Roll Investigator, Communal Refrigerator Salad Dressing Theft Detector serves as one half of a crack office fairness enforcement squad with jurisdiction over various high rises downtown.
Check out these list lovers:
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