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How To Drive Yourself Batshit Crazy In 7 Days Or Less; Or, T Minus 4 Days To Mini’s Birthday Party!

How To Drive Yourself Batshit Crazy In 7 Days Or Less; Or, T Minus 4 Days To Mini’s Birthday Party!

  1. Decide that only handmade invitations, shaped like trains, that involve paper punches, Xyron machines and countless trips to Paper Source, will do for your little man.
  2. Scrap the first version of the invitation and start over on “easier version” that only requires cutting paper in square shapes. And paper punches, and Xyron machines, naturally.
  3. Add every kid at My Gym to the invite list for the party, and then allow people to be lax about R.S.V.P.ing. Buy a ton of party favors just in case extra kids show up.
  4. Decide that normal, store-bought Thomas the Tank Engine decorations will not be good enough. Set about constructing picnic-table sized versions of Thomas, Percy, and James out of tri-fold presentation boards.
  5. Decide that a normal, store-bought cake will not be good enough. Set about creating Thomas the Tank Engine-shaped cake. No, not a cake with a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine. A cake *in the shape of* Thomas the Tank Engine.
  6. Set about carving Thomas’ face out of fondant.
  7. Realize you need three colors of fondant to correctly execute Thomas’ face.
  8. Drive to “wholesale district” of Los Angeles (located directly adjacent to Skid Row–yes, the Skid Row, it even shows it on Google maps) to buy cake supplies, including “paste” food coloring, because liquid will make fondant too runny.
  9. Successfully execute Thomas the Tank Engine face out of fondant! Fight urge to show Mini before birthday party, because a disembodied cake head of his hero will just freak him out, no matter how proud of it you are.
  10. Realize that the wedding cake you adored–still adore, in fact–that cost $1000, you are now 100% qualified to make for yourself, for less than this Thomas the Tank Engine cake is going to cost when all is said and done.
  11. Rationalize that this new talent at cake decorating will be used for years to come! even if only once a year, just like the KitchenAid stand mixer you bought at this exact time last year.
  12. Realize that Mini’s actual birthday is Thursday, and so therefore he needs another, non-party cake, for the at-home celebration.
  13. Go to store, AGAIN, for unsalted butter.
  14. Wonder why there is so much damn buttermilk in cake recipes.
  15. Remember that two years ago you were sucking down a pitocin cocktail with an epidural chaser, and figure this isn’t so bad, after all.

Comments (12)

  1. Apr 15, 2009

    Holy crap. That’s crazy. I was impressed with myself for making them cakes with cake mix and homemade frosting, in the shape of a regular cake pan.

    I’m going to need to see photos of this for sure.

  2. How did you know about my past birthday party experiences?

    If it’s any help, there is hope for the future – a future that includes simple cupcakes. Though I’ve heard my return to sanity has caused Wilton’s 4th quarter profits to drastically fall.

  3. Apr 15, 2009

    Oh, but we LOVE them! I’d love to see a picture of the cake – can you email me if you decide not to post one? I bet it looks awesome, because Thomas kind of looks like he’s made of fondant. I’m pretty sure I’m doing an Elmo cake this year, but fondant will not be involved.

    jenni´s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts: Thoughts?

  4. Apr 15, 2009

    Original Slacker Mom here. For my 3-y-o, I bought a *gasp* store-bought cake and a bucket of ice cream. Took it to daycare, so she could celebrate with her friends (and I wouldn’t have to worry about RSVP’s). We went to a park to run off some sugar, then went to dinner at Chuck E. Cheese. I barely lifted a finger! And she had the best day ever.

    Drama Queen Jenner´s last blog post..Do I Sleepwalk? Or Do I have Someone On the Side?

  5. Apr 15, 2009

    @jenni, I will definitely post pictures of everything once it’s done. I was up half the night making a giant Thomas cut-out.

    @Drama Queen, no question that the kids don’t care about this stuff. It’s really for me–I like to have things a certain way and do this to myself every year. I know going into it that I’m being crazy, but I do it anyway.

  6. Those “Ace of Cakes” people have a starting base of $1,000 for their cakes, which makes me think “WHA?!?” However, if you can figure out how to spin something like that in your favor, you could really go to town on this cake making thing. At the very least, pop out some excellent and creative cupcakes and chage $35 a piece for them!

    foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog post..‘if you know what i’m singing about up here come on raise your hand’

  7. Apr 15, 2009

    Hilarious, and oh-so-true. I enlisted family members to make over 100 mini landybug cupcakes for my daughters first birthday. What I’m saying is, I’m intimately familiar with this particular insanity.

    Can’t wait to see pictures when all is complete!

  8. Apr 15, 2009

    Whew, here’s a “you go girl!” For Hank’s second bday last year, I made an alligator-shaped pull-apart cake. Then I was too lazy to go get green frosting, so it was an albino alligator. So rock on.

    becky´s last blog post..I Guess the Nuts Were a Tip

  9. Apr 15, 2009

    And this is why Party City and my local bakery (b-day cakes that taste like wedding cake) are the bestest of friends 2, soon 3, times a year. I have enough crazy to last a whole year without added b-day crazy to the mix.

    SoMo´s last blog post..And the Smartassness is Passed On.

  10. Becca
    Apr 15, 2009

    Way To Go!!!!

    We held Sam’s 14th birthday this year as a halloween party… Up til 2 am both Thursday and Friday before the party, had to console the 14 year old that it would be ok that her halloween party was Nov 1st, spent a TON of money on costumes, treats, award ribbons for other kids, and dry ice to make her bloody punch smoke and bubble. I think she was happy with it.

  11. Tricia
    Apr 15, 2009

    The only way I stay sane with the birthday stuff is by taking the kid on a major vacation every year for her birthday. Yes, that trip to the exotic tropical island is all about HER. Yes it is.

    Yes it is.

    It’s probably cheaper than the combination of birthday party supplies, therapy, and medication, self-administered and/ or prescribed, I’d have to have otherwise.

    Yes it is.

  12. Apr 21, 2009

    Okay, I’m tired and stressed just reading that! I have discovered that our neighborhood grocery store does a great ice cream cake and that a plastic figurine (Thomas, Transformer, Hot Wheel or whatever the decor d’jour may be) looks great on top. Kids don’t care what it looks like – or even how it tastes – as long as their fingers are stained by the icing and there’s plenty of sugar.

    Mary Anna´s last blog post..Ale Has Landed

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