12 Ways Upstart Somali Pirates Are Ruining Everything
- “Avast me hearties!” is no longer a refreshingly droll way of announcing your arrival at cocktail parties.
- Wait–pirates? Seriously?!
- International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day will have to be postponed indefinitely. Or else replaced by organized bouts of ululation and machine gunfire. Which, you know–eh.
- Forrest Whitaker as head pirate warlord via Idi Amin not nearly as amiably comic as Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow via Keith Richards.
- “Pirates of the Somalian Coast” will not probably work as a family-friendly amusement park attraction. Also: AK-47s and rocket-propelled grenades will not test as well with latency period kids as do plastic scabbards and underfed stray dogs with key rings in their mouths.
- Seriously, Africa? Can we talk?
- Jerry Bruckheimer, in search of a politically correct replacement for his signature cash cow movie franchise, will be left with the Peoplemovers as the inspiration of his next trilogy of full-length summer blockbusters.
- People are slowly realizing that the surly-but-lovable popular cultural construction of the eighteenth-century pirate as a wacky, ill-tempered but ultimately harmless seafaring curmudgeon is a bald-faced lie perpetrated on the public in equal parts by alcohol distributors, the Carribbean Islands, and The Walt Disney Company.
- Shortly after this realization, it dawns on the public that pirates really are just murderous thieves on the high seas, regardless of whether or not they have scurvy and missing appendages replaced with spare shipyard parts.
- Daily rations of khat and rice do not lend themselves to sea shanties nearly so well as do pints of rum and prophylactic limes.
- Pirates, pirates, everywhere, nary a puffy shirt or flamboyant hat to be found.
- In order to reestablish cultural currency, Captain Morgan Rum will have to change their logo to a warlord resting his boot on a container of food relief rations, which is probably more political than frat boys want to get.
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