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The Bad Poop: A One-Act Play

The Bad Poop: A One-Act Play


[An average home in Southern California. ANNA sits in master bedroom, which is furnished in the style of the middle-century modern renaissance. ILL-TEMPERED CAT smacks PERFECT CAT on face for no clear reason. Off stage, voices of MR. RIGHT-CLICK and MINI can be heard negotiating a potential diaper change.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Come on, Mini, it’s this way.

[Off-stage, MINI tries to run down stairs.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: No, this way.
MINI: Why?
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: You crapped your pants, dude.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Yeah, you can bring your label maker.
MINI: This.

[Time passes. MINI runs into room to ANNA.]

MINI: Mah!
ANNA: Hey, buddy.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: [off stage] That was like a ten out of ten.
ANNA: Really?

[MR. RIGHT-CLICK goes into bathroom. Sound of water running. MINI plays with label maker. ANNA dicks around on the computer. MR. RIGHT-CLICK returns to master bedroom.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: You can judge how bad a poop situation is by, if you find yourself washing your hands all the way up to your elbow, it’s not good.
ANNA: Right.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Other things you might notice–more than 16 wipes–that’s bad.
ANNA: That many, huh?
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Also, if the poop has not only filled up the usual spaces, and started to crawl up his spinal area.

[Rustling is heard as ILL-TEMPERED CAT chases PERFECT CAT offstage.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: Also, if you pull the pants down, and you can already see poo, before you even take off the diaper–AND YOU KNOW this is TRUE–
ANNA: Uh huh.
MR. RIGHT-CLICK: And, I don’t know if this is funny, but it’s still true–

[Pause. She waits for the description.]

MR. RIGHT-CLICK: When Mini’s looking at you, and he’s got a look on his face like, “Sorry, nothing I can do, man. Why’d you feed me two hot dogs for lunch?”


Comments (9)

  1. Jan 8, 2009

    It is nice to know we are not the only people who have conversations like that.

  2. Jan 8, 2009

    I just got a phone call in which Mr. Right-Click claimed that “there were actual portions of his bowel in that diaper last night.”

  3. Jan 8, 2009

    And when will this little gem be making the rounds of the dinner theatre circuit?

    J.´s last blog post..Text Messaging and The State of My Relationship

  4. Jan 8, 2009


  5. I wish I could say that I have less shitty discussions with my husband.

    Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children´s last blog post..The bird feeder

  6. Jan 9, 2009

    hahaha, I so know that look.

  7. Jan 9, 2009

    Heheh, loved the washing hands up to the elbows. That’s every day around here.

    goodfather´s last blog post..Spin Cycle: Guilty as charged

  8. Jan 9, 2009

    Anything over like 8 wipes warrants being thrown into the tub. I feel like hotdogs now. Despite the reference to a sour stomach. wow I’m gross.

    Ryan´s last blog post..Tit for Tag

  9. Jan 9, 2009

    Oh yeah, a sixteen wiper post bath was a bad situation. There are some mornings where we just take him out of his pajamas and throw him right into the tub, it’s so bad.

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