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External Locus of Approval FAIL No. 853,459

External Locus of Approval FAIL No. 853,459

“It’s like you have a column in a newspaper. Except it’s every day. And you own the newspaper.”
“Well, I did always like the columns you wrote for the Star Free Press.”
” . . .”
“It’s like, I go to the Washington Post website, or the LA Times. And I can’t–well, I mean, even if I’m looking some case up, I have to print it out. I don’t want to sit with my breakfast up at the computer. And you go to the newspaper sites, and it’s like–there’s no news, anymore. Because all of it is non-news. It’s like the news on TV. It’s not NEWS!”
“Well, the bloggers beat them to the big stories.”
“Well, I know that it is fast, but if the internet is taking away all of their advertising, newspapers have never made money from their subscriptions. It was from their advertising. And so they have less advertising, and then they cannot keep as much staff. They cannot keep the real, you know, reporters.”
“There are bloggers out there who are real reporters.”
“Well, maybe, but then I have to figure out how to get there, and click around, and I just don’t get it.”
“You need to use a feed reader.”
“What’s a feed reader?”
“It’s like, all the things you want to read are delivered to you like email. So you don’t even go to the sites. You just read them.”
“But say I do the LA Times, then I have to wade through all of the articles I don’t want to read.”
“No, they have separate feeds. Never mind.”
“It’s so difficult.”
“No, it’s really not. It’s really not difficult at all.”

Because I would go on, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed by all the snide remarks I have composed in my head. But I’m determined not to say them. But where there was anger before, there is just confusion now. Now that I’m a parent. Because it isn’t difficult, it’s really not difficult at all, when you get down to it. Now I know that nobody has to remind you, because your love and pride comes from you like an impulse you couldn’t control, even if you wanted to. And it never occurs to you to get into a battle of the wits, or a discussion about the relative uselessness of technology or what it is I do with my time, or my life, or how I’m putting myself to use these days.

It’s a simple as this: Mini walks over to me, and I pick him up, and I put him in my lap. And I snuggle him, and he feels safe, and loved. And when I ask him to show me where his nose is, he points, and I light up with joy and tell him how proud I am. Because that’s where he is, and where he is is where I want to be. It’s natural. It’s easy. And, like it or not, that’s all she wrote.

Comments (4)

  1. Nov 18, 2008

    “and where he is is where i want to be”
    that exactly sums up why i do not want to be at work today. or next week. or next year.
    i’ve really been contemplating the ifs of taking a year off. and that sentence that you wrote … is my current inspiration.
    but with feminine pronouns.

    jen´s last blog post..maybe i should go and buy a lottery ticket?

  2. Nov 18, 2008

    I felt the same way when my boys were small.

    Michele´s last blog post..Randomness in all its Glory

  3. Nov 18, 2008

    I’m happy you’re “here” with us.

    Cat´s last blog post..My Honeymoon (i.e., The Most Fun I’ve Ever Had With a Man I Hope Never to See Again)

  4. Nov 19, 2008

    Thanks, Cat. 🙂

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