Halloween 2008: A Retrospective. By Mini Right-Click.
Well, it’s been five days now, and I’ve had time to think about it–you know, really reflect on the events of last week. And what I’ve decided . . . is that, basically, Halloween is a freaky ass holiday. I’m not saying I don’t like it, OK? Don’t get all worked up. I’m just saying that maybe–just maybe–things are getting a little out of hand.
It is quite possible that things are extra crazy around here, you know, because of the Industry People. And their special effects.
And their fog machines.
And their dismembered heads.
And their borderline sexually explicit depictions of skeletons in subtly sexual positions.
But I feel like maybe we should enact some kind of rating system for houses if this is going to continue. Like, if you have gravestones on your front lawn, I’ll give you a G, because most kids my age don’t even know what gravestones are yet, so we won’t get scared. I have no concept of death, so what kind of threat would I see in that? Take a look at the rest of my proposed rating system for Halloween Decorations, and let me know what you think:
Enacting a system like this would save Mommy and Daddy the trouble of asking every person at the curb if the house was “too scary” before approaching it. But I digress. I think I told you that Mommy and Daddy got me a Donald Duck costume when we were at Disneyland a few weeks ago.
So yeah, I agreed to get dressed up but I did think it was kind of strange, since it was so close to bathtime and, later, bedtime, when we headed out. Plus, while they were totally willing to dress me up like an asshole, neither Mommy nor Daddy was sporting a costume! Can you believe it?!
But who am I kidding? I like to spend time with them, so I was like, OK. I’ll be your private dancer. We started walking around the neighborhood and I saw the fabled abode of the Chat Lunatique. They have a sign up on their fence that says, “Attention: Chat Lunatique.” But there was no cat, crazy or otherwise–I checked. I am a big fan of cats, you see.
What I didn’t know about Halloween is that, apparently, the whole pretense is set up around the idea of getting scared shitless and then eating candy. And yeah, I could do without the first part, but Hello? CANDY. At the first house, there was a nice girl with a crazy hat. But she was holding a cauldron full of candy so I figured she must be OK, even if she was fashionably challenged.
At the next house, they set a pair of midget anorectic dogs on me. I’m still not sure why.
Look, Daddy, it’s another fake dead body! This one actually has blood pulsing out of it.
I did feel a little childish in my Donald Duck outfit, even though everybody could not stop saying how cool it was and how “cute” I am. Still, I felt maybe I should be something a little more manly, imposing. Maybe next year I’ll go as something more scary. Like Cookie Monster.