7 Ideas for Lists That I Started and Subsequently Abandoned, and The Reasonings Behind Those Abandonments, In Which I Swear Like a Sailor
So, in thinking of what kind of list I wanted to make for this week, I had a couple of false starts. So I thought I’d list those for you, because why make this harder than it needs to be?
- The 34 Worst Gifts I’ve Received in My Life. So I was thinking, hey, I’ve got a bunch of ideas for this one–like the time somebody gave me that book, 14,000 Things to be Happy About. I thought this item in particular would make a great list item because it would allow me to create a list that functions at more than one level–making my list a meta-list, if you will–because the book itself is just a list. A list of a list, like a play-within-a-play! But, you know, more lowbrow.
But the book is a list of things that make somebody else happy, which is the heart and soul of why it’s such a craptastic gift to receive. What the hell do I care about what makes that dude who wrote this book happy? Also, fuck you. Oh yeah, and fuck you, too, to the second person who gave it to me like a week after the first copy. Yeah, that’s right, I received the damn book twice. Go ahead, laugh. Everybody’s a fucking comedian.
Because guess what? Fucking book doesn’t work. You know what’s on my list of things to be happy about? Cymbalta. That’s it. And yeah, there are lots of things in life that make me happy, but guess what? If you have to make a list to remind you of it, maybe it’s not so joy-inducing, you know? Just a thought. So, as you can see, I have a lot to say on this topic. But then I thought, crap, what if somebody who gave me these gifts reads the blog? Then I will feel like such an asshole.
- The 32 Worst Gifts I’ve Received in My Life From People I Don’t Like. So, having abandoned the first list in the fear of offending people I still like by describing gifts they’ve given me in my Worst Gifts list, I thought I could isolate the list to people I don’t like. But then I thought, what if all those bad-gift-givers that I don’t like, what if they don’t know I don’t like them? Won’t that make things uncomfortable? Then I would feel like such an asshole.
- The 16 Worst Gifts I’ve Received in My Life From My Grandfather. So then I decided it would have to be bad gifts from people I don’t like who know I don’t like them AND who I am sure don’t read this blog anyway. That would be the only way. So after placing all of these filters on the list, I am left with non-monetary gifts given to me by my grandfather. And though there are a lot of gifts I could place on this list, I don’t have any pictures of them, and the reason these gifts are bad is hard to articulate without pictures.
By way of example, say I told you he gave me a jewelry box. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? I mean, I’m not big on jewelry or anything, but whatever, it’s not a bad gift. Some jewelry boxes are quite pretty.
But what if I told you the jewelry box was one of those ones that you open up and there’s a plastic ballerina twirling around inside in front of an oval mirror with rough edges, that was probably cut by some poor Third World child with only two fingers left. You know, like the one they find in that girl’s room in West Virginia in Silence of the Lambs? And Jody Foster breaks open the lining, and finds polaroids of Buffalo Bill’s first victim in her underwear? And then she sees the diamond pattern on a dress hanging in the closet, and realizes it matches the skin he’s been taking off his victims? And she calls Scott Glenn and she’s like, “HE’S MAKING A WOMAN’S SUIT”? And you’re like, “A suit, Clarice? Don’t you mean dress?”
Yeah, like that jewelry box. And I was like 28, so it’s not like I could be reasonably expected to be going through my “princess” phase. But yeah, I don’t have pictures, so the horror of the gifts would be dependent upon my descriptive skills. And eh.
- My grocery list. You might think I abandoned this because it would be boring. Au contraire. I decided to abandon it because it would be excruciatingly boring and it might be tipping my cards too much–do you need to know exactly how many chicken nuggets I feed Mini, for example? What if I revealed enough of my lackluster parenting skills to spawn a roast site of me. Hint. Hint.
- 10 Costume Ideas. I thought maybe since Halloween is coming up, I should make a list of costumes I’ve worn in years past, just in case some of my readers are still not sure what they’ll be dressing up as, or if they’re trying to round up costumes for the little ones. It would be very Mighty Goodsish, er, maybe Mighty Junior, of me. Or something. Maybe rack up some parenting click-throughs on AdSense. So I started thinking of my costumes, and the list started out innocently enough. A cactus (green sweatpants and hoodie, clothes pins, idea stolen from my friend C). A devil in a blue dress (pretty self explanatory). The Gimp from Pulp Fiction. A hot dog, which I thought about dressing Mini as this year.
Wait, did I just say The Gimp?
See a lot of my costume ideas come from college frat parties. Like the party with the theme, “John Travolta Through the Ages,” that we had with Sigma Chi. There were three rooms: one devoted to Grease, one devoted to Saturday Night Fever, and one devoted to–yes–Pulp Fiction. So all the girly girls in my sorority dressed up as a pink lady from Grease (the greek system-friendly version of badass) or Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction (which allowed them to wear, basically, black pants and a white shirt). Except me (the Gimp) and my aforementioned friend, C (a wallet–yes, a wallet, C loves to dress up as inanimate objects–that said “BAD MOTHER FUCKER” on it). We were kind of black sheep that night I guess.
But it was a simpler time then.
So, yeah, I don’t know how appropriate these would be for, uh, families. Moving on.
- 24,000 Annoying Things About Bloggers and Blogging, Including But Not Exclusive to Myself. This list sounds intriguing enough, and I felt it was a topic I could really sink my teeth into. And with 24,000 items, I could almost cover just the number of bloggers on one topic alone! But then I thought, isn’t that like pissing where you eat, or something? I don’t even know what that means, I just heard James Caan say it once.
- 5 Tips for New Bloggers. This is kind of a more positive spin on the last list item, because I sometimes get email from people asking about who designed my site, and where they should go to get started, what’s a good hosting company, and the like. And I do have some good tips, like to register your blog with technorati if you haven’t already. I know a lot of you haven’t, since I can’t favorite you. And I’ve tried. But then, I also want you to favorite me, so it’s not like I’m giving you this tip out of the goodness of my heart. Same goes for twitter. And as for questions about my wordpress theme, which makes me look like I know what I’m doing when I really don’t–the parts of this site that are custom programmed by me are held together by the virtual equivalents of duct tape and spit–well, I would be lying to you if I didn’t want you to go buy it, since I get a cut if you do.
Care to jump on the bandwagon? Here’s what to do:
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