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3 Domestic Disasters and Their Aftermath*

3 Domestic Disasters and Their Aftermath*

I went into the bathroom this morning, and the childproof toilet seat thingy was off the toilet. Admittedly, this is one of those “safety” items that might not be as necessary for “safety” as it is for “hygeine.” Still, I was headed into the shower, and Mini was roaming free in the master bedroom, so I felt it was probably good to figure out if I could fix it.

Naturally, after wrestling with the grossness of being so close to the toilet with the seat up, and after dry heaving from touching this plastic gadget that pretty much has to be covered in e coli and god only knows what else horror of bacteria growth, I got it back on. I had to fight with Mini about why he shouldn’t stick his hand into the bowl directly, finally managing to box him out with my (substantial) butt while I wrestled with the thing, and yeah, he screamed and cried, because what kind of a terrible mother doesn’t let her toddler stick his fingers directly into the toilet water? The humanity!

I take a shower. Mini comes in and bangs on the door. He locks himself in the bathroom with me. I sing songs to him, mostly gibberish, that he likes to dance to (dance=bounce butt up and down). He bangs on the shower door again. Finally, I finish up, get out. Disaster averted, one shower at a time.

Time passes. I’m blow drying my hair with the Blow & Go. Mr. Right-Click goes into the bathroom and says, “Oh, did you see the disaster I had in here earlier?” And I say, “Disaster? Do you mean when you broke the toilet thingy?”

“Did I break it?” he asks.
“No, but you took it off.”
“Yeah, well I had a little bit of a disaster.”
“What happened?”
“Mini.”
“What do you mean, ‘Mini’?”
“Well, I was peeing, and Mini came in.”
“Yeah . . .”
“And he tried to grab the stream.”
“WHAT?!”
“Yeah, and I was like, no no no. And grabbed his hand. But, you know, it’s painful to stop mid-stream.”
“It is?
“Oh, yeah.”
“Huh.”
“So, then–”
“‘Cause it’s not for me, you know.”
“Well, we have different . . . situations, don’t we?”
“True.”
“So anyway, he saw all the bubbles and decided to stick his hand in, and I was like, no no no!”
“WHAT?”
“So then, he thought this was so funny, and tried to put his hand with his other hand, and I was like, no no no!”
“Uh-huh.”
“And then, I was washing his hands in the sink, and he thought this was the funniest thing ever, to wash his hands under the water.”
“I see.”
“I mean, it’s very hard to control things under those circumstances, mid-stream.”
“Right.”
“You do what you can.”
“OK, but I’m still not clear on how that led to the toilet safety thing being taken off.”
“Oh, no, that was a totally different disaster, in the middle of the night. No, that’s not for Twitter. You can’t write about that one.”

Hmroo???

______________________
*If you’re wondering if I put a number in the title to make my post seem more appealing, as if by magic, well, then, you’re quite the clever one, aren’t you?

Comments (14)

  1. Oct 7, 2008

    Hilarious, Anna.
    Though, I have a strange desire to go sand-blast my entire body.

    😉

  2. Mid stream! Ha! I laughed loud. Also, I do not know how to use those toilet seat covers. I am a hoverer. You’d think my thighs would be tight and toned, but no, just weak from balancing.

  3. Oct 7, 2008

    Saints preserve us!

  4. AKD
    Oct 7, 2008

    Perhaps Mr. Right Click should learn to pee sitting down. I read somewhere that it’s “the best gift you can give your wife.”

  5. Oct 7, 2008

    @AKD yeah, but I think they think it’s really fantastic to be standing up. I’m pretty sure they believe in it as one of the many ways in which they are so much more fortunate than we are. Like how they clutch to the idea that we all have penis envy, they think we all are secretly wishing we could pee standing up.

  6. Oct 7, 2008

    I’ll admit – there are times (read: camping & hiking) when I wish I could pee standing up & didn’t need toilet paper to continue on in comfort….*sigh*

    I keep forgetting to add numbers into my post titles. Dammit! How will I ever average more than 100 hits a day (and make more than $0.32 on adsense).

  7. Oct 7, 2008

    Holy crap, that’s hilarious!!! Poor Mr. Right-Click! What a situation to find oneself in. I’d say poor Mini, but I don’t think he minded at all!

  8. Oct 7, 2008

    Two things:
    Potty training is bullshit. Shit, being an operative word.
    Husbands of bloggers are a patient breed.

  9. Mr. Right-Click
    Oct 7, 2008

    Wow! Really? In defense of standing up: it’s fun. However it does leave one open to attack by rogue 17 month olds who think frothy pee bubbles are funny. Also there is the whole writing your name in the snow thing. But then again there is the whole kidney stone thing, which also hit me one middle of the night (imagine lightining shooting out of your body). So there are pluses and minuses but one thing is certain: I will be peeing standing up til the cows come home, literally, and we don’t even own any cows (although Mini would like us to).

  10. Oct 7, 2008

    Sadly, I have fetched Noah’s hand out of the toilet more than once. He thinks it’s a game to catch Big Brother Mitchell’s stream. Nice! Also a fave – digging for the bubbles in the bottom of the potty.

    So glad I’m not alone in my horrific mommy moments!

    (BTW: I have some toys reserved just for the bathroom when I’m showering. And, I also know the value of a well-placed shower spray or suds wipe on the door. Just wait until he’s a little older, like Mitchell – DVR can totally babysit!)

    Mary Anna´s last blog post..Twisted Mister

  11. Oct 8, 2008

    It all comes out in the wash. I’d like to know about the unbloggable disaster though. It’s going to eat at me I tell you.

    Jim´s last blog post..Guest Posting

  12. Oct 8, 2008

    So mysterious! Charlie laughed hysterically and then screamed the first time he saw Ryan peeing. We have a ways to go on the potty training front.

    Becca´s last blog post..Even scarier than the thought that I now live with a nighttime cluster feeder

  13. Oct 8, 2008

    Oh. My. God. No wait….OH. MY. GOD!!!! Hilarious and I’m quite sure something like that happened to us at least once but hubs was not kind enough to share. You kill me.

    Mary Anne´s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday FAIL

  14. Oct 10, 2008

    I just found your blog and you had me laughing out loud in my kitchen, crossing my legs so I could finish this post before I had to go pee..

    calee´s last blog post..A year from the Ranch

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