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Dear Kerri Walsh:

Dear Kerri Walsh:

[singlepic=79,440,330,,left]You probably don’t remember me, since the last time we spoke was about 14 years ago, but I’m the girl who pref’d you at Tri Delt, during sorority rush at the end of your freshman year. I was a sophomore and was still enamored of the Greek System and all the free alcohol it promised, and I did my best to convince you to join my sorority, even though everybody knew you were going to be a Kappa. The Pi Phis even cut you and a bunch of the other volleyball players during the first round because they said you were “Kappa bound,” but I was sure this was a snotty and precipitous move. I thought we really made a connection. When I put that fake pearl bracelet on your wrist and served you tea and cookies, I thought I really was making some headway in the argument for why you should turn your back on all of your teammates and come with us.
Now, given my perception of our connection was influenced by the fact that my friend Tanya and I were doing shots of Jack Daniels in between rush groups outside the Tri-Delt tent, and then spraying Coco by Chanel in our mouths to kill the smell of the alcohol. I don’t see how this could possibly have been an effective means of killing the smell, now that I think of it, since perfume is mostly alcohol itself. And man it tasted bad. But Tanya told me the perfume trick always worked with her parents, and I’m pretty sure they were in the CIA. So maybe you couldn’t smell it on my breath, and besides, I flatter myself in thinking my rhetorical prowess is formidable, even with a BAC over .10.
Even when you went Kappa, we still sort of kept up our friendship–you know, to the extent that a friendship can be maintained through random run-ins at frat parties. And I do mean run-in–sorry about that–but at least it was the Phi Delt Luau, and even Everclear will come out of a swimsuit.
I think you know I always wanted the best for you, even if that meant you went to another sorority.
And wow, look at you now! When I knew you, you were still playing indoor volleyball, and now you’ve really found your professional niche in Pro Beach Volleyball with your partner, Misty May-Trainor. I’m so happy that you won the medal in Greece, and now it seems like a lock (knock wood) that you’ll be adding another gold to your collection. BTW, I saw you do that knock wood sign on both sides of your head when you were being interviewed by some sports commentator–Bob Costas? I don’t know–the other day, athletes are so superstitious! But anyway–go you! And with that crazy tape/velvet shit on your shoulder–and even winning when you almost lost your wedding ring!
You’re awesome, Kerri, and you do our alma mater proud. Even though you don’t remember me it’s an honor to have known you. But that’s not why I’m writing today. I’m writing today because I have a question.

How could you let this happen:


Comments (6)

  1. Aug 17, 2008

    I’m glad to know that I wasn’t alone in trying in vain to camo beer breath with perfume. Never worked for me.

  2. Aug 17, 2008

    You go on like this girl and keep making our planet an ever funner place to be.
    Jannie in Texas

  3. Aug 17, 2008

    That’s not exactly furthering women’s political or social interest in the world. But then, neither are sororities. 🙂

  4. Aug 18, 2008

    Aaack! I was laughing and enjoying this post until the last picture. WTF?! My eyes are now burned permanently with that image.

  5. Aug 18, 2008

    OMG – I’m so glad I’m not the only one wondering about this! I saw them running off the court once as they panned back after a commercial break and was all, WTF was that?! When did the Laker Girls get here?

  6. Aug 19, 2008

    Hmmm… I believe I also went to school with Kerri Walsh, although she was an undergrad so we didn’t exactly hang out.

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